On Being Great

Last night I had a moment where I was overwhelmed by how beautiful my life is. Sel was laying his head on my lap while we read scriptures together. There was a plate of cookies from sweet friends on the floor by my feet and our tiny little Christmas tree was sparkling away. We had only minutes before spoken to both of our wonderful families and I kept thinking about how lucky I was to have such an incredible group of people to love for always. 

My friend's husband recently passed away quite suddenly and only a day after they had their first child. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it without tearing up. Every night before I go to bed I whisper a little prayer for them. I've also whispered a little prayer for myself. A prayer to remind myself that every second of my life is precious and I should take nothing for granted. 

So often I find myself looking to tomorrow and wondering what I will actually find there. I remember when I was younger I was always dreaming of becoming "great". I wanted to be the best, the most famous, the most talented, the most loved. I wanted to save the world and make sure the world knew who saved it. I remember writing once in my journal that I would never settle for an average life.  An average life where I was an average wife married to an average man and we had a bunch of average little children that we were raising in our average little home. 

How blind I was in my youth. How grateful I am for the wisdom that comes with growing up. Those who were of any worth when I was young were those who the world applauded for, who the world admired and envied. 

Having reached this stage in my life I am so taken aback about how wrong I was. The people who I think should be continually applauded or admired are of relative little consequence to the rest of the world. My family, my friends, and  my husband are the ones who are more precious to me and more important than anyone and anything. 

To the outside world, my life is probably seen as pretty darn boring. Herein lies the pieces I couldn't appreciate when I was younger. The simplicity of my life is so astonishingly perfect and exactly what I wanted. I don't live in a mansion, I am no super model, I haven't written the world's best novel, I am not the CEO of some Fortune 100 company, and I have done little to save the world. Yet, here I am happy as could be with the life I lead. 

When I look at those who have achieved "greatness", I feel so sad for them. All those superstars and politicians and CEO's who seem to have so many of the important things missing from their lives. I no longer aspire to be like them. I almost feel a tinsy bit sad for them. I doubt they get a lot of free time to just sit on their couch with their significant other on a wintry Sunday evening and laugh the night away. 

How blessed and how lucky I am to have my "average" life full of all the simple little things that make it feel as if I have achieved greatness. 

Merry "Almost" Christmas All!

Simple mustaches

Simple kisses

My not-so-simple adorable grandma shooting her youngest with nerf

My simple dad shooting the helicopter

And my simple mom cracking up

 

The 26th Year of Sel

Today Selface is 26!!! (I started this on his actual bday) It blows my mind how quickly time is flying by. I realized as I was getting everything ready for his big day that this is the fourth birthday of his we are celebrating together. It kind of blew my mind a little bit. The year of 26 has started off pretty well so far, but alas, every birthday will be a struggle to compare to those glorious 23rd and 24th birthdays. I really should have thought that through when I planned 23 and 24...aw, the good old days. Hopefully Mr. Sel still had (and is having) an excellent birthday despite not having a nerf battle planned for this evening or a brand new dragon onsie to jump around in.  

I was got a lot of help this year from some family in making his day memorable. I asked his parents, siblings and my rents to tell me their favorite memory of Sel and then wrote them on fancy paper and gave it to him this morning. It was actually a treat for me to hear all of these memories I hadn't really heard about before. It just made me love that sweet guy even more. AND it made me extra grateful that he has such an incredible family that loves him. 

  Since Sel has a mega big test coming up this week and he had reviews all day long on his actual birthday, I took the day before off of work. It was a really fun day and we FINALLY got to go to the Toledo Art Museum. It was way more impressive than I was expecting. Our favorite part of that little outing was watching the glass blowing demonstration with our new BFF , Sten. The most exciting part was talking to her after the demonstration about different art classes you can take at the museum. Sel was beyond thrilled that they offer a SWORD making class. That's right folks, Sel's dream-come-true class is available and potentially free if we get the scholarship we both applied for. When we took sculpting at BYU, all Sel wanted to make during our welding portion was a sword. It worked out really well that we found out about this when we did because I was just about to purchase some expensive little chisels for Sel for Christmas.

His actual birthday wasn't too exciting. I made him walk through all of his excessive birthday decorations when he first woke up and read the memories I had written down for him. I made him a breakfast burrito that sadly was nothing spectacular and then dropped his birthday boy self to school.
Instead of going out to dinner or even making a fancy dinner that day, we opted to go to our ward's Christmas party to support our friends who were on the planning committee. I was a lousy bum about it because I am a zero percent fan of ham (ugh) and kept forgetting to be a good little wife and do what Sel actually wanted to do. (P.S. I have been a freggin handful lately. Just grouchy and sleep deprived and crazy. Instead of responding back with as much attitude as I am handing out, Sel has increased his kindness and patience. He is as great a person as I am not-so-great a person.)

We got home from the party and then I went to bed at 9:00pm because I am the lamest person alive. Writing this blog makes me wish I could rewind back to his birthday, put on my big girl panties, and do everything possible to make Sel have the HAPPIEST birthday EVER instead of flobbing around being a jerk-faced baby.

I tried to redeem my saddish efforts to make Sel have a happy birthday by throwing him a birthday party on Saturday. Instead of telling you all about it, here are some pics for your viewing pleasure.

I know Sel is the biggest topic typically talked about over here because I am one obsessed gal. I just cannot and will not get over what a remarkable person Sel is. He is immensely thoughtful and so undeniably good to me. Every day I am reminded how blessed I am and how undeserving I am of his perfect love. Also, jackpot for scoring such a stud, right? It makes him slightly uncomfortable how much I obsess over my attraction to his handsome self. Can you really blame a girl though?

High School Mems

The cute little girls I teach on Wednesdays were talking the other day about how excited they were to be in "the" high school in a few short years. One of them asked me whether I liked my high school days or not. I, of course, responded that I LOVED my high school. She then asked me what I recommended to have a good high school experience. This is what I said, "Get really involved in the things you love, do things you aren't sure that you like, get to know your teachers, etc." This is what I actually thought, "Go to Rochester Adams from 2005-2008. Surround yourself with the exact same teachers and peers as I had and you are guaranteed to have the best possible high school experience." 

I honestly went to school with the top quality teachers and peers anyone could imagine. Seriously though. Let me illustrate some examples of why these incredible people really were/are some of the best I have ever known. 

I was flat out obnoxious in high school. I thought I was a crack up, but really, I took annoying to a whole new level. I used to throw grapes during lunchtime at random friends and just chortle at my hilarious antics. I mostly want to slap some sense into my teenage self for throwing those dang grapes. First off, now that I am an "adult" and have to buy my own produce, grapes are freggin expensive. Hello $1.28/pound. I would never waste such a priceless piece of goodness nowadays. Second off, it might have been mildly humorous the first time I threw grapes at my friends heads, but I can guarantee it was zero percent funny after 4 straight months of that crap. What was I expecting? They would just hee-haw everyday when little green rockets pelted their heads while they tried to enjoy their well deserved lunch. Ugh. 

The thing about it is, those friends still talked to me all the way through high school. They even talked to me like I wasn't two steps past crazy or the most obnoxious human being they unfortunately had the pleasure of knowing. Now those are some quality people. 

I have contemplated writing a letter to come of my teachers apologizing for how annoying I was in their classes. I actually started a letter to my old French teacher the first year I taught Anthro in college. I used to interrupt her well planned lessons like nobody's business. I thought myself a hero for distracting from the conjugation of verbs, but I am sure she wanted to strangle me. Despite how surely awful I was, she was still extremely kind to me. She, along with my other amazing teachers, treated me so well. In fact, I really do feel sad for my girls and their upcoming high school years. I can almost guarantee they will not have the caliber of instructors that I did. 

Moving on with further examples of how amazing my peers were/are. I was a thoughtless jerk face on one too many occasions. On one such occasion, I said a not so nice thing about one of the girls I admired (and have admired even more as the years have gone on). Do you know what she did? She came and talked to me about it with all the grace and class she had already surpassed the rest of our graduating class with. It made me feel like the tiny, petty little person I was being because she handled it so well. I could feel her pity for me. Forever props to her for that humbling lesson. 

I was never treated rudely at all. There were more than a few reasons to make fun of me. First off, I was  half good at everything I did. I hopped on the theater train my freshman year in hopes that my nonexistent vocal talent would suddenly appear when I stepped on that stage. False. It never did, BUT some of the best people I know were in theater and didn't laugh at me every time I painfully opened my mouth. They also didn't laugh when I pretended I was coordinated. I did, however, get a two meter dancing number with my partner in Grease. I'm not saying I was a huge deal in the Adams theater world..but I kind of was. (Joke times one hundred). These amazingly talented humans I surrounded myself with treated me soooo wonderfully and made high school such a great experience. Quite a handful of these talented few have made it over to New York and are taking that city by storm. Like I said, I went to high school with the very best. 

Also, I gained 15 pounds my senior year. It was awful. I had kept passing out while running throughout my senior year of cross country and opted out of track. I went from getting a full hit of healthy endorphins six times a week with a bunch of some of my favorite people on the planet to watching CSI re-runs and eating waaaaayyy too much ice-cream. It was a party and a half. Everyone I knew was still extraordinarily nice about my obvious change in habits. I can't count the number of depressingly sad times I have heard about kids making fun of other kids for their weight (or for being world's most obnoxious person). My classmates were not normal high school peers. They were all too busy plotting ways to take over the world in their respective fields. Just in case you were wondering, each of their master plans is going really well. If you don't believe me, hack my Facebook account and stalk all of their beautiful, successful selves. 

I have A LOT of pictures of me holding Alicia. We dressed up and took a picture together everyday during spirit week because we were/are just that legit. 

Oh, also quick little note in here about my classmates. I don't know what is flowing in the Michigan water, but all of those kids were good looking. I remember showing up my first day of my freshman year and wanting to crawl in a hole. All the girls had perfect hair, perfect skin, and were dressed to perfection. All the guys were intimidatingly handsome and manly. Seriously though. Pick up my yearbooks or keep stalking my Facebook account and see for yourself. You won't find a single homely person.

Everyone looking like a super model aannnnd there's me. Perfecting the duck face and ruining every picture that was ever taken in high school. Also, not sure why one of my favorite people in the world isn't in this picture..maybe KT was taking it?..

When I think about high school, I cannot think of one single person I don't adore in some way. Writing this post and going through old pictures pasted a permanent smile on my face. I don't know how or why I got so lucky to have those people in my life, but dang if I don't appreciate it now. I love scrolling my Fbook homepage and seeing all of the incredible things they are doing. 

SO what to tell my girls? Just cross your fingers you get super lucky by finding a time machine and going back to 2005-2008 with the exact same peers, teachers, and surroundings that I had? Obviously I don't see any other good response to give them. I guess we will be reconstructing the Delorean for next Wednesday's lesson. 

The tradition of the theater pineapple. I miss these people. 

You can tell how much more intelligent these two were due to the size of their medals. Another couple peeps who plotted and succeeded at taking over the world. (and yes, our colors were yellow and brown. And oh heck yes my high school made those colors look good. )

And the grapes make a grand appearance here. This girl was not going to let me chuck those grapes at peoples heads. 

A cluster of another group of amazing humans. 

Aw, I miss her. Another one of my fav beings to ever live. 

Not even sure what is happening in this picture, but one of my favorite people in the world is laughing in the back in his AIX sweatshirt. One of the smartest, classiest and most fun people I know. He went to John Hopkins AND had a line of his designs at the New York fashion show AND is superhuman. 

Here we have another favorite person. She is seriously one of the most hilarious people I EVER met. My only regret is that we didn't start being BFFS freshman year. Oh Naomi (I once couldn't remember her name and she said "you know me", which I heard Naomi…from then on, we joked about how her real name was Naomi). 

These two. Hands down some of my favorite people in the universe. Obviously the universe loves them back as you can't help looking at their faces and wanting to be as stone cold cool as they are. 

I said everyone in my high school was attractive right? well, minus that freak in the hat. I obviously excelled at being the best lookin person in the room.

In posting these pictures it made me miss these people SOOOO freaking much. Again, luckiest girl in the world to know these guys and gals. 

An Ode to All Things Good

Whoa! It’s been awhile since I wrote some fancy words over here. So much has happily changed since my last (tinsy bit sad) post. We are now in a wonderful new place that feels like a mansion to us. It is double the size of the P-town Bungalow. We have an attached garage, the comfiest couch in the world, and the sign of ultimate wealth, a DISHWASHER. Also, our bathroom sink doesn’t spray your crotch every time you wash your hands, our shower let’s you turn on the bottom faucet first (aka we can take a bath for the first time in 2.5 years), the carpet isn’t as thin as wrapping paper, and the kitchen doesn’t have gaping holes between the tiles.  Oh, and duh, the other ultimate sign of wealth, we have air conditioning AND heat. Life is blissful. I can hardly believe we have been in Toledo for FOUR months though. Time seems to have fractured somewhere along the move and now parts of our life seem moments ago and others, that only just ended, feel like centuries ago. Well, at least for me. I likely use “we” too liberally and talk for Sel without actually capturing his thoughts. Well, we had our annual Halloween party as a “housewarming party” per say. We invited some of our stellar friends from church, my co-worker and her precious little family, our besties (Kari, David, and Davie) and the two humans who contributed (slash wholly determined) my genetic make-up. We seriously could not have pulled off the party without the ‘rents as they so loved being called. Can I just insert this really great time when I was 13 when I was being dramatic, a shocking emotion for my 13-year-old self to display, when I told a friend on the phone that my rents were ruining my life. I did it loud enough to make them upset about it and then was grounded because of my "tude". They now refer to themselves as the “rents” cause they love to relive what a charmer I was as a tween. They miss those days almost as much as I do. And now, here is an overwhelming amount of photos to show how wonderful our new place is and all the fun things we have been up to recently

Do you know who this is?!!! It's JOSH GROBAN!!

We caught up after the show for a few hours to reestablish our best friend status. I told Josh what an incredible concert it was and he told me what an incredible friend I was. What would I do without my BFF?

We also carved pumpkins recently with our little bud Davie and pretended we were Jack from Nightmare before

I love our living room so, so so much. So much

This couch and I have a bond like no other couch and human ever had. We were meant to watch countless hours of documentaries on Netflix together. 

We are just a little bit proud of our bookcase and Sel's nerf locker. We got a steal at IKEA and love all of our books. Thanks Grandma Johnson for getting us such fancy, wonderful reads!Oh and please notice Henry (our owl). He's my favorite

We also went the pumpkin patch two weekends ago and got to feed and pet all sorts of animals. A goat trying to eat is hysterical. Give it a try sometime. 

Sel looked a little out of place in the back country of Wood county with those aviators. Darn it if he didn't look good though. Also, we both got to milk a cow. Cow teets feel weird..in case you were wondering. It is also super hard to get milk out

Our happy little kitchen

Sel looks like he is trying to murder this little duckling. 

These little guys LOVED to be held. It was the weirdest thing. I want one REALS bad now

Biggest bunny I have ever seen in my life. He shed like crazy. I think I still have fur balls on those pants

Sel carrying our baby pumpkin (that we actually traded for a different one) through the not so thrilling corn maze

And to close us all out here, check out these baby butters. My new favorite thing in the whole universe. Genius idea you dear Food Scientist who invented it. 

You Hit Me Like A Naked Androgynous Popstar

I'm just going to say it, the past few months have been absolute h-e-doulbe hockeysticks. I have never felt this stretched thin in my life. Between moving to a new place, starting a new job, and not having a place of our own for any of the new changes, it has been awful. Not to say there hasn't been some wonderful smatterings of joy, but the majority has been filled with tears and broken hearts. Want to hear the fantastic story of the last few months? Sure you do

Well, we started looking for places to live before we moved to Toledo. We gratefully found out I had a job in Toledo and they wanted me there ASAP. We, the naive little fools that we are, assumed we would be able to look around for a week and move in to our new home in no time. Cause I had a great job that would allow us to get a mortgage, right? And we had saved and slaved for two years to have a hefty down payment lined up, right? And cause we were foolish enough to believe we would happily trot over the rainbow and find gold and unicorns and an affordable (safe, big emphasis on the safe part) place to live). Want to know the hilarious part of it all? We asked our brother and sister-in-law if we could stay with them for two days. Do you know how long it has been since that? Two and a half months. For 10 terrible weeks we have searched, offered, moved forward with contracts, and fallen flat on our faces with an ever shallower handful of hope. 

I know this is brimming with bitterness and sarcasm, but I could care less at this point. I have spent too many nights on the floor of my nephew's bedroom vainly wishing that tomorrow would be the day things finally started turning around for us. 

We made five, that's right, FIVE offers on places since we moved here. Three were competitive situations and we didn't win the bid. Whatever. It happens. Two, though, we had happily signed agreements and our homeless selves could see the sun inching it's way over the horizon. 

Tonight, the last deal fell through and now we are hoping to move into an apartment beginning of next week. It isn't cheap and it isn't great, but I am two days away from buying a plane ticket back to Utah.

Again, let me stress that there have been so many wonderful things for us here. Our family is so close! We have seen my parents more times these past 2.5 months than we have in the past 3 years. We have made some remarkable friends and we have some besties over in Columbo. Our church is full of amazing humans who have made us feel wonderfully welcome. The metro parks with their gorgeous woods and endless running trails have kept me and Sel sane. 

Still...

I know trials can refine and strengthen everyone. I know that I have seen myself grow during this trial. I truly have and I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn some of these lessons. But I have also felt parts of me crumble. I, my ever pessimistic self, have become even more pessimistic about everything. I have become a perpetual worrier (okay, I obviously struggled with that before). People bother me for pointless reasons. I contemplated rear ending someone on my way to work this morning because they didn't use a turn signal. I started crying during an interview today because I felt so terribly sad for him. It's scary how close to the surface my emotions are. Much like Spock was when his planet was destroyed, I have been emotionally compromised.  And the worst part, Sel and I just don't know what to do with ourselves. We are both so stressed, tired, frustrated, discouraged, and depressed that we both struggle to properly uplift the other. Normally we are able to take turns per say going through hard things, but lately, we both are just falling apart and the other is too busy trying to keep it together to be of any use to rebuilding the other. Miley Cyrus has just been tearing through our lives like an androgynous naked popstar on a wrecking ball. 

I know things will get better once we are in our own place. I know things will be better because it is Fall and there is nothing better than pumpkins, Halloween, hot chocolate, and running through colorful leaves. I know things will get better because even though my hope has diminished, a small sliver still exists.  I know things will get better because I can do hard things. I have half-heartedly tried to make this my mantra during this whole nightmare of a move and I do mostly believe it is true. I have run a marathon. I have jumped out of a plane. I have dealt with death and depression and all sorts of monsters and have come out of it mostly okay. 

So, I can do this, right?