It Will All Work Out

I love being a mom. I love it to my very core. It gets better and better every day. It also seems to get harder and harder in some ways. I feel as if every stage of life truly has it's pros and cons. The one thing I spend a lot of my time doing is worrying about whether I am being the best mom I can. Not just a good mom, but the best mom for Rowan. I told Sel the other day I that I think Rowan would have been just as happy being raised by a different mom. He is by nature a cheerful, joyful little thing who loves deeply and wholly. I've often felt Sel has the personality to have been happily married to many a different type of girl whereas it honestly couldn't have been anyone other than Sel to make me the happiest I could be. I know babies come precisely to who they need to be with and Row's always been mine and always will be. I know every single mom probably spends time worrying about this (the not being the perfect mom part) and every mom in the history of time has spent time worrying about this. 

I find, however, my rational mind and emotions rarely hang out happily together. 

Rowan is incredible. He is constantly bubbling over with his love of life! His smile is pure magic. He is so tender and sensitive. He really, really feels things. We visited my nephew in Philly a few weeks ago and the perfect situation presented itself to illustrate who Rowan really is. He and Brian Jr. were collecting rocks and putting them on a picnic bench. At one point, Rowan slammed his head violently into the bench. He cried for one second only because I picked him up assuming he needed comfort, only to discover I was ruining his life by taking him away from those perfect toys. He had a bruise on his head for a week after our trip. Later that day, Brian Jr. barely pushed Rowan. I honestly don't even know if my nephew actually touched Rowan, but  Row was inconsolable for five minutes after because he felt rejected. He loves to love and be loved. He gets so excited when he is around other kids and just feeds off of their energy. He's like a little emotional vampire - he can't help but drink in the good and the bad emotions others are feeling. He is so incredibly sweet. He continues to give random kisses to me, giant hugs, and those radiant smiles. He also still tries to hug every toddler or baby that we encounter at the zoo, store, church or while walking down the street.

Hanging with his buddy at the library

Still really, really loves balls

What did I tell you about that smile? We continue to get comments about putting him in the Baby Gerber contest whenever he throws a stranger that smile of his.  

His first reaction to seeing his cuzzy

Talking with his best friend at the zoo

Row is also incredibly determined. I am sure it will serve him well as an adult, but it makes this adult a little bit exasperated. He's always been this way. I remember at two weeks old he absolutely would not be swaddled. He wasn't going to do it even though he couldn't control practically any part of his body, he was going to control whether we bundled him up. Lately, he's been throwing some impressive tantrums. He started his rage game early too. If he doesn't get what he wants, he gets maaaad. I used to like grocery shopping with him because he would happily play in those rad car carts and smile at other shoppers. Now it is a nightmare. Today, for example, as I was checking out Rowan rounded the corner with three snickers bars in his hand and the BIGGEST smile on his face.  He excitedly stands on his tip- toes to pass the candy bars to the cashier (cause he knows if he hands them to me, I will simply put them out of his reach and rush his little self out of the store). She laughs and hides two of them behind the counter. Realizing what we are up to, he makes a crazy dash for the door. I try to wrench the bar out of his hand while he screeches at the top of his lungs and then punctures the candy bar wrapper while I actually pick him up using the candy bar because he is gripping it so tightly. He lands on the floor in a pile of screams and tears. The cashier's face turned from amused to slightly horrified. 

Before this incident we were at the Applebutter festival. While standing in line, Rowan really wanted to get out of his stroller. He has figured out how to wriggle out of the harness just enough to cause himself bodily harm, but not enough to fully escape. As I was wrestling him back in, he looked right at my face and threw the straw from our apple cider slush at my face. Since I am trying a new approach of not reinforcing his throwing, I calmly picked up the straw without acknowledging it. Rowan decided then to throw the cup of frozen apple goodness at my face. The woman behind me had six-year-old triplets. She leaned over while I am dealing with this and said, "Whoa. I don't think I ever remember it being that hard with my three at this age'. So you're telling me someone who raised THREE toddlers at the SAME time thinks it wasn't as hard as raising one Rowan?! I still doubt her on this, but I think she was trying to encourage me. Comfort me? I don't even know. I do know that if we ever have triplets, I would probably cease to be sane for at least five years. Maybe ten. Okay, give me the full twenty. 

Me contemplating Sel's cute derrière

Rowan is also giving me a run for my money with eating. All he wants is junk, because DUH don't we all. He also is too, too smart for his own good. He knows how to sign/sort of say chocolate and cheese and chips. He will eat green smoothies almost every morning  and sometimes other random veggies or fruit. He still asks for junk all the time though even when we don't have it in the house. Remember when the kid couldn't remember that their was a toy behind my back and now he remembers ONE time he shared a free cookie sample at Kroger and now will point to the bakery counter every time we are there?

I think the thing I struggle with a lot with him is how my personality is not overly similar to his. I am a very passive person. I am content to change my course of action should the situation warrant it. I think I've always been that way. I am just happy to be happy no matter what is going on around me. I might whine a little (a lot) if things aren't going my way, but I will ultimately go with the flow. I'm a people pleaser. It's been great for me in some ways and not in others. Parenting Rowan is requiring me to be more forceful and resolute than I am used to. I know as his mom I am the boss. I get to pick what he does and doesn't do, but that very often results in epic tantrums because it is not what Rowan wants. I know this isn't unique to parentings toddlers. I'm working on being bossmom and will hopefully be there soon for Rowan's developmental sake. 

I do sometimes stare around at church (for the ten minutes we are in there for) at all the kids close to his age just pleasantly staying in their pews. Do they have their moments? Sure. I just feel like there hasn't been a Sunday yet where I am not part of the "parent club" in the hallway.  I am also fearful of judgement from other seasoned parents who obviously have their crap together. I have never felt that way from friends, but when we are out and about I can feel the judgements searing into the back of my head while Rowan leans out the side of the cart ripping off sale signs or causing internal damage while he strains against his belt while simultaneously chucking cans out of the cart. Most people are understanding and kind, but the few that aren't regrettably stay with me. When I am having a good day, I mentally wave them away with a good pity stare and a laugh. The other days where my more passive, people-leasing part comes through leave me feeling a bit hopeless. Questioning where I went wrong and am going wrong in teaching Row to be at least a little less wild. 

Parenting books are great. Sage advice from other parents are great. At the end of the day though, no one knows precisely how to perfectly parent Rowan (including me). 

I listened to General Conference today (www.lds.org) and had been praying for some answers as to whether I am raising this precious child the way Heavenly Father would want me to.  They all spoke to my heart in different ways about it, but Neill F. Marriott said something that stuck with me. Did you know she is the mother of ELEVEN children? 11. She has gone through the toddler stage eleven times and she's alive. She's radiant even. She has a saying in her family "It will all work out". I believe it. I know it. I know it will all work out no matter what lies ahead. I know that tomorrow I will read this blog and say, "I don't even really feel that way right now! I'm an awesome mom. Why did I write that?" But that's the honesty happening right now. 

I also know that  "if our lives are centered in Jesus Christ he can successfully mold us into who we need to be." _ Ricahrd J. Maynes. I can do this. I love doing it. I know that if I make a daily effort to center my life around Christ, I can be the best mother for Row. I also know someday 16-year-old Rowan will be slamming a door in my face while proclaiming I am the meanest mom alive and I will pine for the days his tiny self would throw silly little tantrums at the store. 

A very mild Rowan tantrum at Meier

Notice the dirt on his face from when he biffed it hard onto the ground. Poor little blondie. Obviously he found a reason to keep smiling despite his hard day. He's the best kind of teacher.