Happy Love of Chocolate Day!

Happy Love Day everyone! I know Valentines is tinsy bit commercialized, but I love any excuse to have a celebration. I can especially get behind a holiday meant to celebrate love/chocolate/my love of chocolate. 

The other night I was going through a journal I wrote Sel the year we were dating and gave to him on our wedding day. Looking back, it is a bit comical how I feared all these things I listed in my letter. Sel has been the most fun and best thing that has every happened to me. I am pretty sure I gave him this 3 days before we got married. 

Dear Sel, 

Marriage has been something I have feared for a long time. I had this overwhelming fear of losing my identity in the bonds of matrimony. I feared I would no longer be able to do the things I love the very most. I feared of showing someone all my flaws and having them reject me for them. I feared loving someone more than I have ever loved anyone else and having them wrenched from my life unexpectedly. I feared I would not be the perfect person my future spouse deserved. 

Falling in love with you, my dear, has shown me how foolish my fears were. I wasn't able to discover who I truly was until I found you. The person I was before was only a watercolor of the person I am now that I know you. You splashed the vivid colors of your soul on the rough outline of my being and brought to life the person I was always meant to be. 

The things I loved before you pale in comparison to the thing I love the very most: being with you. Simply sitting in the same room with you brings me more joy than any other thing beforehand did. 

You love me despite my flaws. You make me feel like the person I always wanted to be and you motivate me to make myself better every single day. I am still terrified you will wake up someday soon and realize you simply cannot live with a person like me. The little things I do that are annoying (having major melt downs about not major things, my neediness, my elaboration of the truth, my morning breath( will end up driving you away. I know the wonderful, patient and forgiving man that you are would not just wake up and leave me, but I fear nonetheless. 

The fear is not vanquished yet. In fact, it has only heightened the deeper in love with you I have fallen. Life without you would be nothingness. What would I live for if not you? How would I wake up in the morning knowing I would never see your face, hear your laugh, kiss your lips, feel the beating of your heart, listen to the beautiful words you say, watch the remarkable things you daily do? At this point, I don't think I could do it. I know my fear will lessen or at least I will know how to wake up should the unspeakable happen. I shudder to ever let my mind consider a world without you, but I know that the promises we are about to make will ensure we would see one another again. 

The fear of being imperfect is ironic the more I have considered it. Yes, I do wish I were in a more perfect condition for you for that is what you deserve. Yet, we know no one can achieve perfection without being married. Together you and I will someday obtain perfection. You and I together will weather the trials that will come our way and let them mold the both of us as one into more perfect beings. 

I felt the need to write this today as I pondered why my heart keeps clenching up in spasms of fear as our wedding day draws near. Writing this calmed me and helped me acknowledge why I am fearful. As you have mentioned, I am going to have "hot feet" the day of, but it is also a bit of a terrifying thing. We are stepping into a world we have never known, yet will know for the rest of our mortal and immortal existence. I look forward to all we will encounter with joy knowing no matter what happens, we will always have one another. I love you. 

Oh and what a joy life has been with him and continues to be. Happy V-Day all! Hope you get your hands on some supreme chocolate! 

Sneaking some of our food before the reception. We were determined to be able to get some of it. Also, how legit are the shot glasses of milk to dip your cookies in? Answer, waaay legit. 

This kid goes along with all my ridiculous/weird ideas and luckily comes up with some pretty great ones on his own. Our Benjamin Button costumes were all his idea. 

This one makes me miss Utah sooooo much.