You Hit Me Like A Naked Androgynous Popstar

I'm just going to say it, the past few months have been absolute h-e-doulbe hockeysticks. I have never felt this stretched thin in my life. Between moving to a new place, starting a new job, and not having a place of our own for any of the new changes, it has been awful. Not to say there hasn't been some wonderful smatterings of joy, but the majority has been filled with tears and broken hearts. Want to hear the fantastic story of the last few months? Sure you do

Well, we started looking for places to live before we moved to Toledo. We gratefully found out I had a job in Toledo and they wanted me there ASAP. We, the naive little fools that we are, assumed we would be able to look around for a week and move in to our new home in no time. Cause I had a great job that would allow us to get a mortgage, right? And we had saved and slaved for two years to have a hefty down payment lined up, right? And cause we were foolish enough to believe we would happily trot over the rainbow and find gold and unicorns and an affordable (safe, big emphasis on the safe part) place to live). Want to know the hilarious part of it all? We asked our brother and sister-in-law if we could stay with them for two days. Do you know how long it has been since that? Two and a half months. For 10 terrible weeks we have searched, offered, moved forward with contracts, and fallen flat on our faces with an ever shallower handful of hope. 

I know this is brimming with bitterness and sarcasm, but I could care less at this point. I have spent too many nights on the floor of my nephew's bedroom vainly wishing that tomorrow would be the day things finally started turning around for us. 

We made five, that's right, FIVE offers on places since we moved here. Three were competitive situations and we didn't win the bid. Whatever. It happens. Two, though, we had happily signed agreements and our homeless selves could see the sun inching it's way over the horizon. 

Tonight, the last deal fell through and now we are hoping to move into an apartment beginning of next week. It isn't cheap and it isn't great, but I am two days away from buying a plane ticket back to Utah.

Again, let me stress that there have been so many wonderful things for us here. Our family is so close! We have seen my parents more times these past 2.5 months than we have in the past 3 years. We have made some remarkable friends and we have some besties over in Columbo. Our church is full of amazing humans who have made us feel wonderfully welcome. The metro parks with their gorgeous woods and endless running trails have kept me and Sel sane. 

Still...

I know trials can refine and strengthen everyone. I know that I have seen myself grow during this trial. I truly have and I am so grateful for the opportunity to learn some of these lessons. But I have also felt parts of me crumble. I, my ever pessimistic self, have become even more pessimistic about everything. I have become a perpetual worrier (okay, I obviously struggled with that before). People bother me for pointless reasons. I contemplated rear ending someone on my way to work this morning because they didn't use a turn signal. I started crying during an interview today because I felt so terribly sad for him. It's scary how close to the surface my emotions are. Much like Spock was when his planet was destroyed, I have been emotionally compromised.  And the worst part, Sel and I just don't know what to do with ourselves. We are both so stressed, tired, frustrated, discouraged, and depressed that we both struggle to properly uplift the other. Normally we are able to take turns per say going through hard things, but lately, we both are just falling apart and the other is too busy trying to keep it together to be of any use to rebuilding the other. Miley Cyrus has just been tearing through our lives like an androgynous naked popstar on a wrecking ball. 

I know things will get better once we are in our own place. I know things will be better because it is Fall and there is nothing better than pumpkins, Halloween, hot chocolate, and running through colorful leaves. I know things will get better because even though my hope has diminished, a small sliver still exists.  I know things will get better because I can do hard things. I have half-heartedly tried to make this my mantra during this whole nightmare of a move and I do mostly believe it is true. I have run a marathon. I have jumped out of a plane. I have dealt with death and depression and all sorts of monsters and have come out of it mostly okay. 

So, I can do this, right? 

My Imaginary Brother

We have an IM set up in my company that allows you to communicate with anyone in the company network. Since both of my parents work for the same company I do, that means we can chat all day everyday. It's the best. My mom and I had a really great, meaningful conversation today that I thought I would share.

2:30 PM Lauren

Hi! Hi! Hi!

How's Sarah btw? She has been really sweet and has been texting me every day since I called her to see how I am doing

Have you talked to her lately?

2:34 PM Maria

dad talked to her yesterday and she’s good

2:35 PM Lauren

Cool. How is my imaginary brother?

2:35 PM Maria

fantastic

2:35 PM Lauren

Good. I worry about him sometimes

2:35 PM Maria

you shouldn't

2:36 PM Lauren

I don't know. He hasn't been making the greatest life choices lately.

Like being imaginary instead of real for example

2:39 PM Maria

he is the child we like the best you know

2:47 PM Lauren

That's only cause he doesn't ever cause you real grief, just imagined grief. If he were real, I would obviously be the child you liked best. 

My mom is the greatest to have a conversation with. Also, my imaginary bro is doing a little bit better since this conversation :) 

Toledo and I

This couch and I are soul mates. I could picture myself sitting on it like this all day, everyday.

Davie teaching me how to eat

Cute Kari and I going to a RS activity.

Yay, see that baby? It's from a centipede and I went to an instacare for it because I was terrified it was a brown recluse and my arm flesh was going to fall off.

Best part of the Mudhens game = these attractive little mouth pieces.

Visiting one of my all-time favorite places in the universe.

This is how David eats at T-bell. He lines up his hot sauce packets in a perfect row and tears off a corner from each and THEN he eats that taco like it's nobody's business. Davie (in the background) obviously thought it was as hilarious as the rest of us did. My nephew has an excellent humor for being a mere 19 months old

Just the pops and Sel playing a friendly game of softball. Sel ended up being the "ringer" of the team hitting home runs like he played for the Yankees. He even decided to join his med school's two softball leagues now since he did such a stellar job. Also, the pops did an amazing rough-and-tumble somersault to catch a ball and it was impressive. Just so you know.

This was in Champaign. I though the DeLoreon cause it has been centuries since I have seen one of these bad boys

This is in the living room of the house we want. Looking at it makes me want to call the seller and just beg him to stop being so ridiculous

This week has been a bit of a bummer. Getting our house has become a bit more complicated. Let me just throw this out there, I had no idea getting a place to live in Toledo, Ohio would be this crazy. Manhattan, maybe. Canada, undoubtedly (cause Canada is the worst). But Toledo? Every day I am super duper grateful my cute in-laws are letting us invade their space, eat their food, use their water, and make their life more inconvenient than it was before we bombarded them with our presence. I cannot even tell you how great they are and how fun it has been to be with them. They are seriously the best. This week alone Kari has single-handedly made us two 3 course meals of delicious heaven. That being said, I am beyond anxious to have our own place. I still feel like we are just vacationing in Toledo (ha, funny, I know…no one in their right mind would vacation to Toledo). I have been a little bit mean to Toledo cause I feel like I am over here all ready to be in a committed, long-term relationship. I have totally put my vulnerable self out there and Toledo, the player that he is, has rejected me almost every time. Toledo stalling on me has just highlighted all the flaws I see in it instead of the fun, safe side I am certain Toledo is hiding beneath these layers of frustrating give and take.  Toledo even had the nerve to have some terribly venomous creature bite my arm in my sleep. If you were looking to get under my skin (get it? Get it? Cause whatever bit me actually did), it certainly worked Toledo. Work has also been a bit of a bummer as we are soooo slow and anyone I deal with feels the need to swear at me for not giving them a job. Which makes me feel angry that people who don’t have jobs are essentially telling me I am bad at my job. I hate feeling angry at anyone or anything. It’s really is the worst.

Even if Toledo keeps acting like it’s not interested in us (which I know deep down it is), we are working on our relationship by trying to do fun things together. Thursday we went to a Mudhens baseball game and it was really fun and we made a bunch of friends on our bus ride downtown. We also have been waking up at the crack of dawn for the past two weeks to run around the Toledo neighborhoods. Super proud of us for this part. We have also been giving ourselves time apart and have been visiting our Amish friends in Columbo this weekend. Let me tell you, no one makes food better than the Amish do. I mean, not a soul on Earth can match their baked goods. (my mouth is watering right now recalling the pumpkin pie and maple cookies).We have actually spent almost every single weekend since we moved to Toledo not in Toledo…We’ve been to Chicago for one weekend, Columbus for two weekends, Rochester for two weekends, and we are going in Columbus this weekend. We will also be coming back to Columbus in another weekend and potentially going to New York next weekend...

I don’t consider it cheating on Toledo since T-town, as pointed out extensively in this post, has yet to commit to us. We’re totally allowed to hang out with other cities until Toledo decides to start putting out. So, here’s to eating buttermilk and maple cookies while riding in a horse and buggy!