Undecided and Untitled

I have used this as a space before to throw out feelings. It's been awhile though since time is a rare and precious commodity lately. It's mostly been a vehicle for occasional family journaling.

I don't really know how to start this since I barely know how to talk about it. I've always been better at writing though than talking and it's therapeutic for me to do it in a public way too. 

We've been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It's been a really difficult time for me. Mike has been understanding and tried to help, but we think about it so differently. He can go weeks without thinking about when or if we will have another, while it's something I hardly get to escape a day without thinking of. 

The hardest part of all has been how isolating it's been. I feel ridiculous talking to people who've tried for years to have children and suffered with primary infertility. Their pain and journey is simply different than my own. I've felt the push back from those who have gone through it when they know I have two kids who we easily had with zero months of trying and zero complications. They don't want to talk about how sad I am when they feel they would be so happy in my shoes. There are many who don't understand why I can't "just be grateful" for the two I have. I hate this phrasing because it implies by wanting another I somehow must not be grateful enough for the ones I do have. Of course I'm grateful for them. I adore them. I'm obsessed with them. I breathe for them. 95% of who I am on a day-to-day basis is purely to be their mother. I think because I know how wonderful they are is why I ache for another. I already know how incredible it is to see a personality blossom from infancy to toddlerhood. I already know how precious the time is with little ones and how quickly it is gone. I long for that next flavor because I taste how sweet having kids is everyday. I am so undeniable and continually grateful. 

Many have tried to slip me the "It's all part of the plan" lines. These are worst of all because I know they are coming from a place of personal peace for the giver of the phrase. They've likely looked back at their lives and seen a thread of foreknowledge and divinity. I do not deny in the slightest that God is completely aware of me and involved in my life. I believe that He is present and part of my day-to-day living. I do not believe he intentionally causes things to not happen or to happen that cause pain. I don't think he has chosen not to give us another child to teach me a lesson. I think THE lesson is that we came to Earth to learn and that comes through sorrow, disappointment, hope, death, faith, and life. How that pain comes doesn't feel tailor made for me. I strongly believe He wasn't responsible for various pain in my life. I don't think Heavenly Father leaves a woman infertile for ten years to teach her something that someone who gets pregnant from simply breathing by a man somehow already knew. I think he prepared both of those women he loves for those potential life outcomes. I'm sure as anyone looks back over their lives they see how present God was for every detail.  It's just really hard for me to match the all loving God I know with someone who supposedly picks trials for seemingly unknown and arbitrary reasons that will reveal themselves in the future for people to go through ( or who die through). I could go on and on about this, but I'll just leave this piece where it is. I don't think we haven't been able to get pregnant because God wants us to. I don't think he realized I was going to learn some important lesson by being denied this hope. MY plan to follow HIS plan is to believe that He is, love Him, and realize He is not to blame for my hardships. 

Many don't understand my "rush" to have another. It's been such a roller-coaster with being able to conceive Lyra while nursing Rowan and relatively quickly too. I saw and see so many blessings that come from our two being two years apart. I don't think there is a magic age that spells close sibling relationships and harmony. Mike and I discuss this topic endlessly to his dismay. I love my sister and am so grateful for her. That same reason made me long to have her in school with me more. Other than our limited years in elementary school together, we were never in the same school at the same time. I want my kids to have a sibling around if they want them. I'm sure there will be things they hate about it, but it could be a wonderful thing too. What Mike and I both usually settle on is that we can't predict what will happen with any age gap or gender and how that will play out with sibling relationships. Whether it's been wonderful or awful for others to have longer than a three year gap between their kids doesn't really change how it isn't the way I hoped it would go. Of course great things can come in all situations if you know how to see them. 

I often feel like I can't be justified in my pain. It's often downplayed or it's something I don't even want to discuss. I don't want people to know that I am somehow deficient or failing when it seems so easy for others. I can sense the pity from the few I have talked about it with and it makes me feel worse. I have one friend who has been such a rock for me through this and has been empathetic, intuitive and understanding. She seems to always know when to text me or check in on my feelings about it. I don't really blame anyone for asking when or if we will have another. Or for feeling bad for me. I just truly hate talking about it, but yet feel this crippling need to talk to someone, anyone who can understand. 

It's such a confusing box to be in. Another factor is that up until recently (and still occasionally) Lyra was nursing. Somehow nursing stopped my cycle from coming back until 18.5 months this time. It still hasn't become regular and has made it feel impossible to truly feel like we are "trying" when there isn't much to go off of. The general standard of seeking fertility help is after a year, but since I was nursing during that, I'm also not technically classified as having tried for a year. Why didn't I just stop to try and become pregnant? Good question. It's because Lyra was nowhere near ready to stop. At all. She was a wreck all day, everyday when I tried to par it down. I did various stints of weaning days for months. It mostly resulted in tears from both of us and frustration that it wasn't doing much. I 've been in denial as someone who got pregnant easily while nursing that this had to be completely eliminated. Everything out there will tell you it isn't really necessary in almost all cases to wean to get pregnant, particularly past 18 months of nursing. Some will tell you there is a very rare woman that needs to do this and that person is apparently me. This piece has been the hardest to talk about since it's another base for dismissal. I'm not infertile and it's been my choice to not get pregnant by continuing to nurse. If I really cared so much about it, I should have stopped. I just couldn't. I couldn't let go of the baby in my arms in hopes I would get magically pregnant that month. Mike tends to see the bright and shiny hope while I tend to see all the dark outcomes. Weaning felt so much like cutting off my baby without the assurance I would ever nurse one again. We are pretty much there with completely weaning (much to Lyra's dismay). 

I joined a secondary infertility group on facebook that was really helping for awhile. This last week a girl posted that she felt those who had been trying less than two years shouldn't be a part of the group because she'd been trying for four years for their third child. It was like the only tiny slice of understanding I was getting closed with an icy middle-finger. Another knock that I should truly get over myself since others have/had it worse. I know others have it worse. I know others spend YEARS trying to conceive with months upon months of disappointment, grief, and pain.   I know people spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant, dealing with medications and complications, miscarriages and stillbirths. Trying to get children for so many is just not remotely easy. 

Knowing others have it worse does nothing to make me feel better. It just makes me feel like a bad person for feeling badly when others feel worse. 

I do have hope and faith in the future and all I really wanted from this was to feel heard. To feel like the computer wouldn't wonder what was wrong with me and my body or think I am being irrational for feeling this way. It feels good to get to the end of the page even if I'm not much closer to being "over it".