The Tsunami

 I don't write on here very often anymore. I wish I did, but I usually opt to write in my journal instead when I'm feeling the urge to work through some feelings with writing. I have so many right now though that my hand would cramp if I wrote it all out and typing is much faster. 

I have been mentally struggling for awhile now. I'm sure many have with the type of year this has been, but mine started getting really bad October 2019. I'd for sure had bouts of depression in the past, but it never felt quite so heavy. I attribute part of it to trying to go on a very restrictive diet to, you know, lose all my baby weight ASAP. Bleh. I could and likely write another post about how angry I get over society's mind-numbing expectations and damaging beliefs on how women should look, be, find worth in themselves. This diet made me feel like a perpetual failure and the dark thoughts just took over. It got so, so bad. I wrote letters. I looked at dating apps to find my husband a potential replacement. I researched least traumatic ways for children to lose a parent. Luckily, I went to therapy and it helped a little. Time ultimately helped lessen the gaping mental wound I had. I started to do all the things I knew would help me. Exercising everyday, journaling, being more grateful, praying more, serving more. I think sometimes it can feel really confusing when I say I'm struggling with depression because there are so many days, moments, weeks where I genuinely feel so happy. The dark, sad feelings that sometimes take over seem so small and distant in those happy moments. It seems impossible that I'll ever feel THAT bad again. 

Have you ever seen the movie The Impossible? It's about a family of five vacationing in Thailand over Christmas during the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami. I would highly recommend watching it for a multitude of reasons. I've been thinking a lot about the scene when the wave first hits in relation to how I feel about my depression. Naomi Watts and her family are having a grand time swimming in this really nice resort. Completely happy despite some worries about Ewan McGregor's job when their vacation is over. They're sure it will work out and they can handle it. She's reading a book and a gust of wind blows one of her pages against these glass panels. Those glass panels to me are all the things I'm doing to keep my depression under control. The good things that really do help me be happy. If I were to huddle behind them, they would keep me dry from the occasional splashes of water life is sure to throw. Then, out of nowhere, this giant, black wave comes crashing down on them. Naomi Watts presses herself against these glass panels knowing it's certainly not going to keep her from being crushed by this wave, but it's all she's got. It's not strong enough to keep her from being ripped apart by this tsunami even if she'd spent a year making it the most durable glass in the world. She could have built a sturdy house of gratitude, exercise, therapy, and it still will be covered by this wave of destruction. 

Something I'm not ready to talk about started a new wave for me and it's hard, at times, to feel like I'll ever find the surface. The moment that changes things in the movie for Naomi Watts is hearing her son call out her name while he's getting dragged along this enormous current. That's how it feels for me too. Whenever I want to just cling to my palm tree and scream and maybe let go, I have three little voices calling out my name. The four people I love the most are what keeps me from letting go. It's not easy. I still have to walk around in unfamiliar territory with my chest cut open and a giant leg flap dangling about, but who else will make sure my family is okay? 

After it's faded a bit, I usually find a portion of myself grateful for that excruciating pain because it opens my eyes to how other people might be feeling. I am not unique in feeling like this. There are countless around me with hands that hang down and sorrow that the world can't see. However, this world is pretty dark right now. People hate one another. Such cold hearts. I have a medical condition that makes it really hard to wear a mask. I normally am effected very little by my disorder, but I've had it tested at the doctor's office and my O2 levels drop to the mid 80's when I'm wearing one. I could easily carry around a doctor's note excusing me from mask wearing, but no one cares about that, not really. I often let my nose out so I don't black out, but wow. Strangers, friends, family hate me for it. It's so painful to already have all these thoughts swirling about like dark mist whispering "maybe it's not a bad idea if you died" and then have others thinking or saying the same thing. I wish I was this incredibly resilient type. My husband is, thank goodness. One of us has to be. He's a fighter whereas I'm just..not. I don't know how to be like that either. I wish I was. When I'm meanest to myself, I throw that at my inner crumpled self over and over "what's wrong with you? Get up. Get up and fight. Why can't you just be different?!" I can fight for other people, that's so much easier. I can fight for my kids, my husband, friends, family, but myself. Woof. This isn't just about mask hatred, it's about that incredible palpable hatred and fear of one another. I generally believe people are good at heart, I do. Hearts seem to be getting harder though. 

I don't know exactly why I felt that I needed to write this. I have trouble sleeping these days and starting this helped some of those late hours go by quicker. I do have hope, even when my mind assures me it's not a realistic thing. When I can feel that hate in the world, from myself, the love of Christ feels stronger. I was reading in Ether the other day about the Jaredites and their journey. They spent a year getting slammed by waves and wind and only had a tiny amount of light for their long journey. Yet, they praised God during all this. The waves beat them to a better place even when I'm sure it felt too much to bear at moments. I have to believe it's getting me and all of us to a better place too

Sixth Sense- Rowboat is 6

 My firstborn is six-years-old. At times, it's felt like ages ago that I held his fresh, tiny body for the first time. How did this tall, bright, and tender-hearted child once fit completely on my chest? Other times, I feel like I just barely got to take him home from the hospital. Time is both my sweetest friend and most-despised enemy. 

Rowan at six is absolutely wonderful. He's incredibly patient with his two younger siblings who often use him as a trampoline, punching bag, and chair. He never really complains when they maul him, which is sweet to me. Rowan's thoughtfulness coupled with maturity is something special. Tonight, we told him to go upstairs and get ready for bed. He walked up without any further prompting, put his clothes in the dirty hamper, showered by himself, dressed himself, hung up his towel and brushed his teeth and additionally laid out pajamas for his little sister. It was the first time he's done that because I'm normally quick to lay out pajamas while they bathe/shower. He saw a need and filled it without any expectation of reward or encouragement to do so. He's so pure. 

Rowan is loving kindergarten. He thrives on routine and order which school is blessedly giving him. He enjoys his teacher and friends and especially learning. He loves math and is already a super reader. He's already a very bright kid and being one of the oldest now is only helping him feel capable and smart. In so many ways, he is such a beautifully easy child. He's obedient, kind, and respectful. The emotional outbursts of his younger years are fading as he learns to self-soothe and regulate big feelings. He occasionally has something he can't process, but he recovers quickly. 

His current interest list continues to keep switch/video games in first place. He also really enjoys sports/exercising. He started going to CrossFit kids while we were in Idaho and really loved it. He wanted to come with me on the weekends when I would work out and do his own workout. Now that we're back in Nebraska, he's started going to a kid class while we workout that teaches them whatever sport they wish. His first request was soccer and then volleyball, basketball, pickle ball, and football. He's always had a natural ability to do well in sports and I hope he keeps that with him as these next few years go by. I can't decide what he would like being enrolled in more and he gets too excited about all the options when I ask him. It makes me feel like he lives a more balanced life knowing he likes both video games and athletics. His favorite game to play is Minecraft with his dad and grandpa. It's pretty cute to watch. They'll pull up chairs close to the TV, facetime/or call Papa, and all play together for as long as time will allow. It makes me feel like he's a teenager already for some reason. He likes Pokemon, fighting robots with Dad/Rocky, making obstacle courses in the backyard, racing, daydreaming about flying, math, doing flips off the couch onto our mattress (ahhh please stop this), constantly trying to solve a rubik's cube and board games. 

Rowan continues to say "I love you, mom" and dad a lot. I love it, but he still seems to say it as a filler of silence sometimes. He also talks non-stop. He needs to explain things to me or anyone else in full detail. I wish I could focus better on his long descriptions, but catch myself saying "uhuh and really" a lot more than I'd like. It's easier to soak all of his words in when Lyra and Rocky are otherwise occupied which happens very rarely. He's so encouraging and loving to his siblings regardless. Lyra hasn't slept in her bed for an entire night since we got back. We have a sticker chart going and an excessive amount of promised prizes as motivation (Nothing is working btw). The FIRST thing ROWAN asks every morning is "Did Lyra do it? Did she sleep through the night?" He's so hopeful she succeeded. He'll tell her when she wakes up "You can do it tomorrow night, Lyra. Just do it." 

He eats mostly well at this age. He'll luckily eat a fairly broad spectrum of nourishing foods. His favorite "healthy" foods are cucumbers, watermelon, cantaloupe, bell peppers, fresh peas (never cooked ones), apples, and grapes. He can eat an exorbitant amount of ice-cream for his size. While in Disneyworld, he got to eat a TRIPLE cone and he ate the entire thing somehow.  He still protests eating beans which makes life super un-fun for meal making since most of my favorite meals and ones everyone else will eat have beans in them. He loves sandwiches, is really into the concept of double-double hamburgers (he discovered this was a thing while eating at an In-n-Out in Utah), he doesn't like chick-fil-a food (probably because he's eaten there an excessive amount in his short-life span), and he continues to follow in GG Chocolate's footsteps by loving chocolate. He sleeps perfectly. Goes to bed without a fuss, sleeps through the night and wakes up between 6:30am-7:30am most mornings. I appreciate this about him a lot particularly because he was not an easy sleeper for the majority of his babyhood/toddlerhood. 

He continues to have an incredibly contagious and cute laugh. He laughs easily and is starting to understand jokes. Rowan's favorite people in the world are his extended family. He adores spending time with both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles, second cousins and he loves his cousins so, so much. They're absolutely his best friends. It was an amazing 100 days of summer for him to be with family so often. It made me really wish we lived closer to our families knowing how much our kids thrived being surrounded by people who love them. 

I just really, really want to be like him. I wish I could be as gentle in my parenting as he can be in his brother-ing. I'm grateful for the gift that he is to our lives. We love him dearly and are grateful he's been with us these six years. 

Rodrick Royal is ONE

One year ago today I had the most beautiful baby boy. Oh how my heart jumps when it sees Rocky boy. I am completely besotted with him. He is pure joy in a tiny, squishy body. I'm addicted to him and his sweet personality. 

I'm not sure what his one-year stats are because corona virus means our appointment is pushed back until the craziness is over. He's our smallest still at this point though. He is in 12 months onesies, but the pants are usually too long so he has to wear 9 month pants. It's so strange having a baby so small. Both of the older two just tore through sizes. Despite starting crawling, climbing and standing so insanely early, he only just started constantly using walking as his main mode of transport this month. Honestly, this week has been big for him walking. I love watching those wobbly, chubby legs move his smiley self around. 

He can say a few words right now, mostly ones that start with the letter B. Ball (oh how he loves balls), baby, bye-bye, balloon, binky, Dada, Momma, Lyra and he calls Rowan Dada too. He can kind of say dog and gets SO excited when he sees any and every dog. He was signing a whole bunch last month, but once he started making more clear sounds, we both got lax with signing. He still uses all done, milk, open, drink, bird, dog and cold. All animals that are not a bird/chicken/dug, are dogs to him. I really should brush up more so I can expand his vocabulary for him.

He loves to go in Rowan and Lyra's room. They both have this little kid chairs that he sits on like a little King. It's pretty cute. He also loves to be part of the action with his sibs. His favorite game is still chase. I'll chase the big kids and hold Rocky facing-forward so he feels like he's running with them. He breathily giggles and kicks his legs back and forth a whole bunch. He's probably bonded with Lyra more over the last few months and spends more time playing with her than Row. I hope he'll jump right in their little pack as he gets older since it's mostly the Rowan and Lyra club right now. 

He has a highly nutritious palate (not). His favorite entrees include suckers, Cheeto puffs, applesauce, oranges, apples, cucumbers, blueberries, pizza bananas, Chick-fil-a nuggets, broccoli, water, suckers and suckers. We have not pushed vegetables enough with him and now, he just doesn't really want them. He'll eat the occasional green bean or sweet potato, but he really, really hates things that are squishy. He'll just drop them disgustedly out of his hand. In terms of nursing, he will either go a good portion of the day without it with the exception of nap time OR he'll kind of snack a bunch where he'll latch for a few seconds at a time then become distracted. This mostly happens when he was recently hurt. He likes to have me trace his hand when he nurses and he'll trace mine. He loves his binky so much. When I get him out of his crib in the morning or after nap, he'll have one in his mouth and one to two in each tiny fist. He arches and freaks out when I try and put them back in the crib even if I'm not taking the one out of his mouth. he also does this super cute lip smacking things when he wants a binky or to nurse. 

The kid is social. I see a lot of similarities in his personality to Lyra. He'll smile and chat with anyone that looks his way and has recently started to maneuver himself toward them now that he's more mobile. He loves other kids, babies and animals. He does this funny thing where he will ask for a drink, but then stick his hand in my cup to steal my ice. He also does this cute things where he lays his head down on the ground and just lays facedown for a minute or two. He'll also eat like that too if he drops something. No hands, just face. He will throw his head back when he laughs and it kills me. He loves being chased and will squeal with delight when I say "I'm going to get you!"

He sleeps pretty well right now. He sleeps through the night about 70 percent of the time, so I count him passing with a solid C+. We are still in the two nap cycle for the most part, but we just sort of take it as it comes. We don't follow a super rigid schedule which has it's pluses and minuses. Plus being less stress if things don't go according to plan, minuses include getting overtired.

I felt before he was born that he would be a happy, fun kind of person and he most certainly is. I couldn't love him more 

3.75 Lyra

My sweet Lyra is almost 4! Oh how I love my girl. She's so helpful and caring, wild and fun. Lyra has really turned a corner in listening and helpfully helping. She seems to enjoy having a baby brother a lot more these days and will play with him more often. She still will carry him to the other side of the room when he tries to play with her dollhouses, but she's gentle about it. She wants so desperately to help and I'm trying to give her more opportunities to do this without stressing so much about her accidentally strangling Rodrick or laying a wake of destruction. Lyra has always adored having an older brother and still does. She and Rowan are inseparable most days. They play together super well most of the time and are little side-kicks to one another. They're almost always better as a pair than separately. Rowan adds some reason and honesty to the mix so they aren't constantly getting into things they shouldn't. They do fight and WOOF, it kills me sometimes. I've discovered physically pulling them apart is an instant tempering of emotions whereas my previous method of shouting "STOP" a whole bunch was wildly ineffective.

She still has her wild side for sure. She gets more berserk and hyper the tireder she is and then she'll turn super violent once she passes over the hyper-stage of exhaustion. Like a cat violent. She'll suddenly slap you across the face and then hide away. When she gets really upset, she'll run out of the room to go find a place to calm down. It's actually pretty emotionally mature of her to do this without prompting and I'm grateful so came to it naturally. Speaking of things coming naturally, she really is easy in so many ways. Lyra can self-play with toys for HOURS. Uninterrupted hours of her just playing contentedly by herself. I'll join her sometimes, but she seems to enjoy her own creative time. 

Lyra is so social! It's just amazing to me how drawn to people she is and how much she enjoys being around them. The other day on our way in to church she saw a little friend of hers and started running after her in her little Elsa heels "Sunday! It's me! It's Lyra! You know me!" and then caught up with her. She also has a razor sharp memory for names of friends. We saw another friend on our way into a playgroup before the world ended, someone she sees every month or so and yelled out the window "Lydia! It's so nice to see you again!" She has ZERO fear of talking to people and often will beeline it anywhere there are people. We went to the park today and some older teenage boy were playing basketball. She zoomed off that direction, walked up to them and said "I want to play, friends!" I hustled her out of there real quick. She can be so incredibly endearing because of her friendliness, amiability, humor and kind-heart, but PLEASE exhibit some caution in life, child. 

Lyra is so smart and so busy. I bought a book from The Good and The Beautiful to do with her when I'm doing homeschool with Rowan. It's really cute and focuses on just learning the alphabet and numbers. She has a lot of trouble sitting still and simply doing the book for the sake of doing the book. I've had to be way more creative to get her to start to recognize letters. She's improving, but still has plenty of learning to do (don't we all). It's been a real learning experience for me to see how different my kids are in the way they absorb information. Rowan's always loved a good educational-geared game, but he also really thrives on check-boxes and prizes. He wants to go exactly in order in his book and do everything on the page to perfection. Lyra wants to color on whatever page she wants and if she doesn't care much for a game, walks away to play with something else. She's young, but Row was already getting into star charts and such at this age. A good illustration of their differences are the way they run and use their money. Whenever Lyra has even a little money in her money jar, she would like to go shopping at Target. Immediately. Rowan will hoard that money in there for years to fill it up to the top. When they run on the treadmill, Lyra will set it to 10 and sprint until she can't anymore. Rowan sets it to a 4 or 5 and makes sure he finishes exactly when he completes whatever number of laps he decided to do. Lyra also is a really gifted little singer. I hope to help her with this as she grows since I'm not. I'd also love to put her in gymnastics, but we've worried before about her spina bifida occlude. If she were to land on her back in a bad/weird way, it could be crippling for her potentially. It's hard to brush it off and let her pursue it (Because I think she could be SO good) when I know I'd just worry the further she went in the sport. 

Speaking of Target, this girl was born to shop. She LOVES it. She'll just throw any toy, purse, dress, make-up, shiny thing in the cart and ask me relentlessly for everything in the store. She has a really good eye for fashion too. I'm always a little impressed with how she owns her little style. Lyra is the girliest girl out there. She already has a multi-stage outing routine. She wants to put on all the make-up, paint her nails, wear high-heels, put some fancy shades on, accessorize. The only thing she really hates doing is her hair. It makes me sad because her hair is finally getting long enough to do more styles with, but she'll stare at me defiantly and pull it out the second I'm done. I think it hurts her a little so I can't really blame her. Her hair is still super fine and doesn't grow much on the top of her head. 

One of the things I love most about her is how she rubs my arms when I'm cuddling her or sad. She's just so tender and loving. She's had a nurturing soul since she was itty bitty. I try to realize often that all she wants from life is to be with me, play with me, cuddle me, talk with me. Her needing me shouldn't feel burdensome, but a privilege. My heart aches for the day she won't want me first. I don't want to regret not living fully in this precious time of her life with her. I can already feel time slipping  through my fingers like sand. Slow down please!I think often of Lyra's blessing day and how Mike and my Dad said she just smiled up at the ceiling like she was beaming at heaven the whole blessing. She is a special little girl, pleasant and charming and unique. I love that Heavenly Father sent this little spit-fire to me.

Lyra had so much fun at Disney! She loved the roller coasters the most and princesses second. She got this cute little makeover and it was a dream come true. She was being so goofy though and her fairy godmother had to ask for my assistance getting her to sit still more than once. eye roll.
Lyra had gone up to a cute little girl at Disney Springs a few days before our Magic Kingdom trip who had clearly been to the boutique and complimented her on her dress and makeup. The girl was so sweet and gave Lyra the make-up they send them home with. It changed Lyra's whole world to get make-up from someone. I told the girl she was a true princess because she was kind.

I love this picture so much! I know I should crop out the part of it being a screenshot, but I'm lazy and tired. I love how free she seems running barefoot in her cute cream dress with little pom-poms on it

She can love aggressively sometimes. This is her kissing, hugging and licking me a whole bunch the other day 

Rocky Road 10 months

Rodrick Royal is almost 1! It breaks my heart I haven't kept up on my journaling here about him. I've gone back so many times to compare the older two kids at their various stages based on the info I put in my blog and I won't have that with him.

He does so many sweet, adorable, perfect things that I never want to forget. He calls Mike AND Rowan Dada. It's so cute! He's starting to make sounds that are sooo close to the word. I'm pretty sure he said bird the other day and gets really close to saying fish. He signs open for everything under the sun. It's shocking how applicable it really is for so many different things. If you're going to learn one sign as a baby, open is a pretty good one. He signs milk, but sometimes just open (your shirt). All animals are either a bird or a dog right now. He is learning lots of signs everyday and it's so fun to see him get to interact back with us. Right now he consistently and correctly signs, milk, open, dog, bird, baby, book, binky, and sucker. He gets SO excited when he sees animal and whines constantly until he can touch them. We saw a squirrel the other day and he was determined to track that guy down and give him a big squeeze. Rocky loves babies. If he sees them, he needs to be by them and touching them and slobbering and clobbering them.

He's really close to full on walking. He can take a few steps at a time before falling down, but it's not his primary mode of transport yet. He's started to do this funny bear crawl because he doesn't want his knees to touch the floor, but he also can't balance perfectly yet to master walking. He's a pro at climbing and scarily can climb on all sorts of things. The other day, he pulled himself onto the top of the handle bar at chick-fil-a and clung there until I forced him to get down. He used to climb on to the top of our entryway desk until Mike smartly put up some netting to keep him from perching up there with his gift cards. Rocky loves to have a handful of plastic. Give him all the credit cards and gift cards and you've got a happy baby on your hands.

He loves to be part of the action with his siblings. If they're wrestling, he needs to be wrestling them too. He'll just crawl his little baby bum all over them and sit on their heads while they try to "gently" push him off. They honestly do a really good job with him and both usually crack up when he joins their fun. Rocky also looooves when I run with him after them. He'll kick his legs and laugh so hard. Lyra loved that too, but really loved when I'd have her sit on Rowan's shoulders or bop him on the head.

His soft, down-feather hair is so sweet. It grows like Lyra's. Nothing on top and so much on the back. Both could really rock a natural mullet.

I love my 10-month old little boy

The Fantastic Fives

Rowan is FIVE (and a half- I started this in August) I can’t really process the memories of my tiny baby boy with the long, lean little boy that he is now. How can they change so much and still be so much the same too? Rowan is an angel child a lot of the time. He’s obedient, helpful, honest, sweet, sincere and happy. It makes me a little sad to read the since he's changed a bit since I started. He's going through a rough patch where he is more defiant, angry and unhappy. He struggles to fall asleep sometimes at night. He's really good about staying in his bed, but Ill find him awake up there an hour or more after we put him down. He’s always had a temper. I remember tiny 7-week old Rowan pulling his head away from me with a tiny vein bulging from his forehead because he didn’t want to nurse. I remember him eating solids for the first time and popping out of his bumbo growling that it was gone. He started preschool this week and had a bit of a rough start with his temper, but he’s done so much better the past few days of school. He really seems to love going and tells me all about recess, snack and the toys he got to play with. He’ll tell anyone who he meets his birthday, how to spell his name and his siblings and their birthdays and what street we live on and city we live in. Haha it's good he knows it, but WHOA on the information to strangers kid. He’s such a funny kid because he has a little social anxiety in big groups, but going someplace he’s used to will mean he goes and talks to random strangers without hesitation. He tends to seek out adults to chat with more than kids, but he does play really well with kids too.

Rowan asks for the same thing for breakfast every morning, chocolate chip oats with half an apple. He usually gets about 5-7 chocolate chips in his oats and that’s enough to sway him to eat a whole bowl. He really loves having his routine be the exact same. Rowan is so good at getting ready by himself, but it takes a lot of prompting to keep him focused. Row is a chatterbox and likes to give long rundowns of switch games or detailed descriptions of pretty much anything which again, makes the whole process of literally anything he needs to be doing extra long. He hates being late places, but we cannot manage to get anywhere on time ever.

Rowan adores his brother and sister. He loves to talk with Rocky and sing made up songs to him. A constant original hit by Row is “I’ll love you Rodrick forever because you’re so cute! I’ll love you even when you’re a grown up!” He and Lyra certainly have sibling  squabbles, but they tend to get along most of the time. If I can keep Rowan distracted from  "being bored" (aka just don't talk to him for five minutes), he and Lyra will go off and play for hours. They do a lot of make-believe and role play. Rowan likes to make up elaborate games that no one knows how to play and he’ll get so frustrated with Lyra when she can’t figure out his list of 100 complicated rules of how to win. They still do a lot of rough and tumble games and Row is mostly mindful of how gentle to be with her. When he does get mad at her, I know he’s going to try and hurt her when he sings this frantic tune. It’s always the same rhythm and he usually tried to squeeze her really tight. It makes me so upset, but he’s getting better at getting a grown up to help when Lyra  inevitably takes his toys or does something to get him to that point.

He's incredibly selfless and thoughtful. He lost his first tooth the other day!(this is a pretty dated post) He had killed one of his front teeth falling on our stairs not long after we moved here. He called it his golden tooth and it didn't really bother him, but we were supposed to keep an eye on it to make sure it didn't develop an abecess. I feel so lucky he got to keep his tooth as long as he did because he isn't too far ahead of his peers in losing a tooth. He was really brave going in for the extraction and told the dentist the shot felt like when he eats pineapple. The tooth fairy came and he immediately felt sad the next morning upon finding a dollar. "Mom! How will I be able to buy a candy cane for Lyra and me with one dollar?" He is so quick to share and be good. It's what makes me most sad about his rage fits. People who don't see him normally only get this tiny snapshot of his wild behavior and assume he isn't the tender-hearted little boy he actually is. He can rage for hours and it's pretty overwhelming to handle. It's sadly getting worse and not better lately.

Rowan is growing quickly in his physical skills. He's always had a pretty good handle on his body, but he loves a good challenge especially if it involves using his body. He loves competition and beating himself or others. He's a really good sport too. He doesn't rub it in faces if he wins, but he does loose his cool if he was trying really hard to win. One sad/funny thing happened the other day when we were playing Mario Party for FHE. Mike creamed us all and Rowan thought the character Mike was playing was his. Row cheered at the end and then realized he had lost and erupted into tears. He ran from the room and when Set when to talk to him, Row said through sobs "I thought I was doing so good, dad" Poor kid. Hopefully, we can help curb his perfectionistic personality a little and channel it to help him succeed.

I decided to pull Rowan from his preschool last month. It was a wonderful school and he loved his teachers, but our mornings consisted of me rushing tired, hungry kids out the door and lots of shouting and fighting. We also were supposed to do a lot of traveling over the next few months. I just didn't feel like we were living our best life and it was something we could cut out for now. We started doing "homeschool" and I love it so much. It makes my parenting feel so intentional and I just love the time we spend together for the lessons.  Rowan is doing AMAZING at reading and math. It's truly like magic watching him learn these things and progress. We've been using the 100 Lessons book and Rowan is on lesson 76 as of this week. I can't wait for him to dive even deeper and be able to start reading recreationally. I already know he's going to love it so much! And wow! His math skills always leave me impressed. The other day we were practicing problems in the car and he said mom "2+2+8=12, right?" I know it seems simple, but being able to do  that at his age is awesome. I think math might end up being his favorite subject based on his personality.

The other day at the store, Rowan asked for a candy bar. I told him we didn't have enough money for it, to which he replied "Mom, I think it's time we get rich" Amen, kid. He also obsessively says "I love you mom or dad" over and over throughout the day. I think he does it most when he's stressed about us being upset with him. It is a good defusing method, but it's funny too because he says it so often that I don't even think he knows he's even talking. When we were driving the other day he said "I love you mom!: and I replied "I love you too buddy!" to which he replied, "What did you say mom?" I told him I was just telling him I loved him back and he said "Oh, I didn't know I was talking out loud" hahaha. Such a chatterbox

Even with his tantrums, freak-outs, yelling, kicking and raging, he's a really good kid. I love him so very much. I'm grateful for how helpful, thoughtful and sweet he is. He talks often about wanting to marry me which always makes me laugh. He actually started crying the other day saying "I just have to marry you mommy because you're just so pretty and I already love you so much" I sometimes do a ten-finger thank you list to them at bedtime and Lyra and Row both sweetly want to return the thank-you's. This was Rowan's to me the other day

"Thank you for making me food, thank you for having pretty hair, thank you for having a pretty face, thank you for being nice to me, thank you for not yelling at me today too much, thank you for letting me eat dessert, thank you for letting me have screen time. thank you for being nice to look at, thank you for being beautiful, thank you for being pretty" He loves me for my personality clearly. Haha, nothing like a tender five-year-old to make you realize how loved you are. I love Rowboat

 He's so cute. I hardly ever can get him to look at the camera AND smile. I just love his face and expressions so much

 Baby Rowan showed up on my newsfeed the other day and tugged at my mom heart. Funny thing about his hair. Rowan has wavy hair or had you could say. His hair has gotten so incredibly thick that I think it doesn't have enough space to have movement anymore (if that makes sense). His hair is as thick as dog fur. This particular picture doesn't show his wave very much, but boy do I miss his superman curl sometimes.

 He is a natural protector. He takes care of this little sibs of his

Rowan has told me a few times he wants loads more siblings. Six total babies at minimum. He just loves them so much. When I asked Lyra if she wanted anymore siblings, she asked if we could sell Rocky. hahahah so that's a hard no from her.