There Can Be Miracles

No secret here that Sel and I have anxiously been awaiting to hear back from medical schools since his first interview in November. 

And guess what?! SEL IS GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL IN AUGUST!!! Wahoo! Happy day!!!

Let me back up a little bit. I had been made well aware by others who have braved medical school that medical school is a rough go. No one really prepared us though for how grueling the application process and waiting would be. The waiting was killer because we just couldn't make any plans for the future at all because we didn't have any sort of a timeline. 

Every single morning poor Sel would squint one eye open and grab his phone to check if by some miracle a medical school had sent us an acceptance. Every single morning for SEVEN months. We've have had SO much to be grateful for in the year since Sel first sent in his application. I mean, how hard is our life when the hardest thing we are experiencing is waiting to hear if Sel will get the opportunity to get the highest level of education available when so few in the world even get to go to college. That being said, it was hard and I am grateful that it was hard. 

I am so grateful for the lessons in patience, humility, and faith I have learned through this process. 

I am even more grateful for the astounding love we have felt from our family and friends through this. 

We have been the waiting list for Ohio State, University of Pennsylvania, and Toledo since about February. Sel's sweet brother is about to start his fourth year at Toledo and was so kind to send two letters to the Dean at the medical school assuring them Sel would do a great job there (because Sel's bro has done a STELLAR job) which I think was a big reason Sel got bumped from the waiting list to being accepted. Sorry, I keep getting ahead of myself. I am just SO excited!!

Sel and I were sitting in our hotel in Amsterdam (we have been in Europe for the last two weeks) and were lucky enough to get a wifi code. We had just been lamenting how sad we were to go back to real life across the pond and how poor Sel would have to start the application process all over again when Sel decided to check his email for the heck of it and guess what was in there?! An email from Toledo offering congratulations at being accepted. I started screaming bloody murder. I have no doubt everyone on our floor thought I was being stabbed Psycho style in the shower. I started jumping crazily up and down on our bed and squeezing Sel really hard and screaming in his face. I then ran out of our hotel room in my underwear with Sel's coat thrown as a last minute thought over my bod dragging Sel behind me to his parents room. We started pounding excitedly on the door and screaming to let us in. I then jumped all over D and D^2. Sel just stood their grinning with a look of incredulity on his face. We called Kit and Kat in their hotel room and told them to bring party favors down to celebrate. 

My favorite and most touching part of the night came when we decided to call my sweet grams. When I told her Sel was accepted to medical school, she started sobbing in the middle of her driveway. "So many people have been praying for you, but I have been praying doubly hard!" she said through tears. Her happiness for us was so tender. I should have realized if someone has perfect and kind has my grams was praying for us there was no way we weren't going to get in. God can't deny something to someone so angelic as her. News traveled fast and we found out the extent of our family in their prayers for us. My sweet Aunt in St. George had put our names in the temple multiple times, my grandma did it double that amount and my parents have done it too. So many fasts have been done on our behalf over the last seven months. How humbled we are for the love and care we have been shown through this. We are surrounded by so many astounding people and we will never be able to repay them for their kindness. Well, maybe Sel can do a free knee replacement or liver transplant sometime for them. :) 

And now, here are a few pictures from Europe :)

 Favorite Asian on the whole trip taking a nap open-mouthed in the Musee D'Orsay

 Laughing in Venice cause it is too beautiful to take seriously

 Trying really hard to be attractive on the Rhein. Pretty sure I succeeded

I wanted that lamb SO BAD from the Keukenhof. He was NOT happy that I kept pulling him away from the grass

 Sel is super cute

Like really cute. This was probably my favorite face from the whole two weeks 

The Eight Year Lie

I have a confession…I have totally lied to myself and a few other people for the past 8 years of my life. My family moved from Kansas to Michigan halfway through my freshman year of high school. I distinctly remember my first day in my honors English class for a couple of reasons. 1. Some of my best friends from high school ended up being in that class 2. I met some of the more unique people from my high school in that class 3. I told a lie that I ran with for the entirety of my high school career. Since I wasn’t there for the first part of the year, I had missed out on some of the assigned readings for the previous semester. One of the books assigned that I hadn’t read was Jane Eyre. I love to read and still have no idea why I decided to claim I had read the book…Oh wait, because I am an extremely awkward human being who has word vomit when I feel uncomfortable. Divergent example here to prove my point. One time when I was in the business building there was this guy advertising for some business majors event and he gave me a flier and he just kept holding this free piece of candy in his hand like he was going to give it to me, but then he apparently decided I had to earn that fun-sized twix bar by answering dumb questions. He asked me what my major was and then my brain short-circuited cause this is how our conversation went.

Me: "Oh, I am a business major. Gotta love coming to the Tanner everyday"

Guy with free candy " Oh yeah? What is your emphasis?"

Me: "Um, I don't have one."

Free Candy Man: "...But it is required for you to have an emphasis.."

Me: "Oh, well, I got it approved with my advisor to just be a business major"

Fun-sized candy bar holding man: "Who is your advisor?"

(I am starting to panic at this point because it is becoming all too apparent I am failing the jeopardy questions and that little piece choclatey goodness is just going to melt in his stupid, tiny man hands and not in my mouth)

Me: Um, well, ....(Cue my PERFECT friends Sars calling me). Oops, gotta take this! It's my grandma.

And then I plucked that twix out of his hand and scurried away from his perplexed face

Funny part is it wasn't my grandma...it was my roommate and she had been watching this whole mess go down a few feet away and was kind enough to save me. Too bad I didn't have a Sars that first day of Honors Freshman English...

Anyway, pretty much everyone in my English class hated Jane Eyre. Since I had “totally read it too” I hated it with the same passion as my peers. The recommendations on it had been negative so I never bothered with it. What in the world was I thinking?!?!!!? Wuthering Heights, written by Charlotte’s amazing sister, is one of my all time favorite novels!  Sel and I are regulars at the Provo Library and the other day while we were there I saw the BBC version of Jane Eyre and thought “You know what? I might as well watch it and really see how horrible it is.” Horrible? Again, what the fetch was I thinking? Yeah, it was as horrible as getting paid a million bucks to be a taste tester for  Ritter Sport. As horrible as getting a Swedish massage after running a marathon through the Alps. I am going to the library the second I get off work to check out the book because everyone knows the book is always better than the movie…which means Jane Eyre might have just landed on the top of my favorite novels list. How have I denied myself this wonder for the past EIGHT years?! A lesson well learned over here. For anyone that reads this, any other recommendations on amazing works I am probably missing out on? Also, anyone know if Ritter Sport needs taste testers?

The Sea and The Sky

So...I found this blog/forum thing called Le Love and I keep reading it and thinking I am some sort of mini, female Shakespeare over here. I decided to try and write a poem about Sel and I cause I am obsessed with him. And loving him. And being in love with him. And we went to see Phantom of the Opera which is, in my opinion, seriously romantic. I asked Sel if he would sing "Music of the Night" to me everynight for the rest of the week. As Christine's part of course and I would be the Phantom who kept yelling at him to SING FOR ME! Anyway, darn Le Love and Phantom for making me feel so sappy and romantic and...crazy! That's not new though, is it? I like the little poem I wrote. It made me feel happy to do it.

P.S. In other news, my new job outlined what my salary is going to be and now I falsley believe I am a millionaire. Life is good :)

We are the Sea and the Sky.

He the Sea, I the Sky.

He is Constant. Deep. Majestic

I am Fleeting. Translucent. Familiar

He enchants you in the shallows with a hint, a glimmer of the magic that lies deeper. Each level of his spirit with a beauty of its own.

I unexpectedly withhold and hide behind hazy, gray clouds. When needed most, I will abundantly pour all love upon you.

He gives his life to all who need it. His gifts are free and frequent. He gives beauty to the smallest and simplest of things.

I can bring light to the darkest of nights. I will help you think deeper, bigger. I will listen to your whispered wishes.

He can calm and soothe with one glance, one thought, one sound.

I change with every season, every day, every hour.

He can inspire the mighty and brave to discover more, become more.

Separate, we have our own beauty, our own power, our own splendor.

Together, though, we are all things beautiful, all things powerful, all things splendid.

What he gives, I take. What I give, he takes.

He is my reflection, I am his.

Together we are endless.

Big Girl Job

I got a call two weeks ago that left me flattered, confused, and a tinsy bit intimidated. Kelly Services was looking for a new recruiter and decided I sounded like a good candidate. The recruiter they have now is pretty much a legend in her field which means I have HUGE shoes to fill. In fact, this amazing recruiter was the one who told Kelly I would be a good fit to take over her job. Whoa! I was flattered beyond belief after the phone call and floated around on a little bubble of happy delight for the rest of the day.

I interviewed a week afterward and boy oh boy! It was the hardest interview I have ever had. It makes sense though, because all my past positions haven't been as demanding. The hardest part of the interview was answering questions I hardly know the answer to myself. Questions like, "Where do you see your career taking you in the next ten years?" or "What do expect will be your greatest accomplishments in the next ten years?"

Pretty much, I don't know where I see myself tomorrow let alone in my career.

That word at the end, career, has such a funny taste. When I think career I see business suits and long hours and a driven sense of purpose and success.

How to you tell someone your dream is to live in Africa or India helping kiddies who need it? Or that your dream is to spend your days painting or sculpting even though you suck at it? Or that your greatest accomplishments will be being married to the world's greatest husband and mother to the world's best kids?It's been such a weird rollar coaster of emotions lately. Some I can put into words, some I can't and some I won't. I know this seems such a silly reaction to such a great opportunity, but it has left me feeling even more lost and confused about what direction I should be heading. That feeling has been hanging over both Sel and I for the past few weeks. We are still waiting to hear back from medical schools and it is straight up no fun. We have been coming up with back up plans for his career and to be honest, it has left me feeling like a side dish.

Since we certainly aren't supposed to hop on the baby train yet, I feel like my purpose is percieved as meaningless. Sel never EVER EVER makes me feel that way. He is always encouraging and comforting and perfect, but he has his own things to consider. He will be the breadwinner someday and his bread will be a lot heartier than what I am bringing in right now. But I am still bringing in the bread...and that still matters.

I think the reason this is all pouring out right here is that this new position I am taking on whispers of something more solid, permanent and purposeful than any of my past ones. It feels like a very solid step in a direction I have only been tip toeing around before. Yet, this step would be removed the second we found out Sel was accepted to medical school and whatever footprint starting to form will just be washed away.

Don't get me wrong, our journey is brimming over with joy. All these seemingly not so fun things are soft shadows in the background of our usually colorful, happy life. We get to spend time every single day with our siblings who are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. We have the time everyday to work out. We have family so close and they are so wonderful. We have adventures planned and daily thrills. Sel and I somehow grow even closer with each passing day. Our religion gives us purpose and insight everyday. We are so lucky to go to the temple regularly and church weekly and read scriptures together daily. So, don't go thinking I am not immensly grateful or happy. Or that I am not excited to start this new job. I just am working through some behind the scenes things right now :) Wish me luck for next week!

Showing my Scars

WARNING: This covers a very sensitive topic in my life. Please keep that in mind before you decide to read this.

I have been trying to write this post for a long, long time. I haven't been able to find exactly what to write because I have been afraid. Very, very afraid of the reaction. There are so many factors to consider and feelings to worry about. But, now more than ever, I feel it needs to be said. It needs to be said for so many reasons that I will explain as I go on. This has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to write so know I chose my words as carefully as I could (and that my hands shook the entire time I tried to type this).

When I was a little girl I was sexually abused. The woman who babysat my little sister and I at the time had a teenage son who regularly "watched" me while she tended to the younger kids. He would take me in the basement and make me do things I wish I could forget.

I haven't forgotten though. I haven't forgotten any of it for the past sixteen years.

The boy who did this ended up committing suicide a few years later. I sometimes wonder if he hadn't taken his life how I would have come to feel about all that happened to me. Would the rage and white hot anger I used to experience still be here instead of the pity I feel for him now? Would I have learned to forgive him any less had he still been alive?

This moment in my life has defined parts of  me. It made it hard for me to relate to kids my own age. It made me feel constantly guilty. I still remember the day I was baptized (when you are 8 in the LDS faith) and praying that I would finally feel clean. It makes me so very sad that my eight-year-old self who should have been in one of the most innocent and pure stages of life was carrying such a heavy burden. I constantly felt and sometimes feel as if there was something wrong with me that caused this to happen. It was hard with my family because I didn't know exactly why, but I knew whatever had happened was wrong and that I couldn't tell them (the boy made me promise I would never tell anyone).

Eventually I was able to tell my parents and they got me a wonderful counselor. I think back about what they went through too and it was horrible. I know they both felt as if they hadn't protected me or something else that is completely not true. My parents did everything for me. They are the ones who have continuously pulled me through this. One of the lessons I've learned from this is that everyone has free agency and we can't control anyone else no matter how much we want to.

The counselor I had was wonderful. In fact, she was the one who had me start reading Harry Potter. Whether necessarily good or not, it was she who helped me discover you could create a world no one else could touch. You could escape into a place separate from your own life if only you could imagine it. Imagining myself as strong or brave or invincible helped me cope with the fact that I most certainly wasn't at that point in my life.

This experience also gave me a crutch I leaned too heavily on most of my life. If I had relationship issues, it was because I was abused. If I had any negative emotion, it was because I was abused. If anything went wrong in my life it somehow related to being molested.

Why am I saying this? Why here? Why now? Why on this very, very public blog?

Because I am not alone. I am very sadly very much not alone. The more I have talked with others and heard their stories, the more I have found out how much of the majority I am. Yet everyone I have spoken with about their abuse has some part of them that believes they are alone. They believe very few have also experienced one of the darker sides of humanity. It took me a while to realize this. Once I did, it threw me deeply into depression. Into that horrible feeling of lacking power or control over my life and lacking the power to keep others from that same harm, those same scars.

I have come to realize something though. All of those who have been sexually molested have been broken. They have had something stolen from their soul they will never get back. Some fill that gaping broken piece with things that threaten to break other parts of them. Others, though, figure out the only way to fill that hole is by stuffing it full of compassion and forgiveness and strength.

Another thing I have realized is that I shouldn't have to keep a secret like this. Isn't that what hurt me the most as a child? Having to keep a secret so dark and so painful. Isn't he still winning, still causing me to suffer if I fear to ever utter what he did to me? Why do we have to whisper the word "rape" or "abuse" or "molested"? Shouldn't those who have experienced such things be able to feel as if they can talk about it without feeling even more horrible than they already do?

I hate more than anything in the entire world finding out about more people who have had their life torn apart by sexual abuse, but I love hearing about those who have figured out how to not let it define them. To be honest, hearing others who have been able to overcome it all and live a life without the memory constantly hanging over them is what has helped me the most to find peace.

 The last thing I have learned very, very slowly to accept is that this moment in my life does not define me.

 I am not a solely a victim of sexual abuse.

How can I let myself be defined by one horrible memory. How can I let myself lean on something when so many others have gone through worse and come out ever better, even more beautiful, even stronger.

I wrote this today because I don't ever want anyone to feel as I did. As if they have to hide this shameful part of them and can only reveal it in a moment of dramatic conversation. If sexual abuse victims keep quiet as so, so many do, it is only giving the abuser more power.

I wouldn't say I am grateful for this experience in my life, but I am grateful for what I have taken from it. What I, with the agency I was given, chose to take from it.

The only thing I used to think I would ever take from this experience was that people were inherently evil and children no longer had a chance in this day and age to experience true, blissful innocence.

Instead, I have discovered a deeper empathy and compassion that I hardly know what to do with sometimes. The only thing in life I can confidently say I am is compassionate. I don't know that without this experience I would have such an overwhelming care for others.

I am very protective of the ones I love. Especially those who are younger than me. I don't know if I would have such a strong urge to shield others had I not gone through this.

I want to understand people. I have learned from this there are always more parts to discover that make up the whole. No one can be easily fit into perfectly square, labeled boxes. I don't know if I would be as understanding of others had I not been one hiding my whole story.

I have such a deep love for those around me. For those around me and not around me who are harboring their own secrets and their own struggles. I have such a fierce desire to help others for I truly know "everyone you meet is fighting a great battle".

There it is. My heart, my soul, my past in tiny little characters for the internet to now have possession of. I am afraid to push the publish button, but I am more afraid that the world will continue to have this close mouthed view on how to approach sexual abuse. I am more afraid for the girl or guy who thinks they don't have anyone else who could ever understand what they went through or is going through. I am more afraid that I won't believe I can do something, no matter how small, to make sexual abuse that tiny bit less prevalent.

And I think now I am ready to let going of being afraid.  

27 Hugs for Mugs

I really don't know why I get to be so blessed. Not only do I have the best family in the world, but also the best friends in the world AND they are completely interchangable. For example, today is my cousin's birthday who also happens to be one of my very best friends. She is the big 2-7 and dang proud about it too. This girl has been with me through everything! Getting stuffed into fluffy halloween costumes as youngins, fishing and camping with our families for years on end, crazy family reunions, the awkward, chubby pre-teen stages we both pretend didn't happen, Disneyland trips, break ups, freak outs, and everything in between.  I try and think what my life would be like without her and it straight up sucks...cause in that scenario I end up in a mental institution because she keeps me sane when I am trying my hardest to be crazy. Whelp, here you go cuz! I hope 27 is the best year of your entire life thus far. Love you TONS!!!! 

 

1.       You are the most organized human I have ever met which makes any space you get your hands on a better, happier, cleaner place.

2.       You are so beautiful! You have all the natural aspects of beauty, but you also know how to emphasize them

Someday we too will have crazy lawn art like Grams

3.       You don’t do anything half way. You either love something or you hate it. Which, if you think about it, is awesome because it makes life a lot easier if you can be decisive and know what you really want.

4.       You are loud and I love it. I love going with you places and having everyone stare at the loud, laughing girls in the corner

5.       You love to laugh. This world needs more laughter and you are always ready to share some. Your humor and love of all things humorous (Psych, Pitch Perfect, you name it) makes you such a fun person to be around

6.       You are uncommonly kind. You go out of your way to show those you love just how much you love them

7.       Your spirituality and willingness to serve is breathtaking.  I will never, ever, until the day I die forget the day you called me to tell me how you and the rest of the family had fasted that day for me. It was one of the sweetest and most powerful answers to my prayers I have ever experienced.

Remember how you always look cute and I always end up perpetually in the Chrome Dome

8.       You are such a solid friend to me and all your other ones. As I said, you either love something or you hate it. And when you love something or someone, you are so strictly loyal and loving to them. How lucky for me that I get to have you as a friend forever J

9.       You love, love, love to help people. You are never short of advice and you are great at giving it. I can remember so many instances (as in yesterday) where you put on your expert hat and share what you know.

10.   You are such a good validator. Whenever I am having an awful day or am frustrated about something that we both know is ridiculous, you still validate my feelings. I seriously don’t know what I would do without you some days.

11.   You have got some serious style. It is amazing to see the outfits you construct down to every perfect accessory. I love that you love your style too. Own it girl!

I believe this was from our Aquarium Day trip. Look at your EYEBALLS! So fetchin gorgeous!

12.   You make everyone feel so comfortable. You call your home my home too. You made Mike feel so at home the second I told you we were dating and it helped him feel so welcome to the family J

13.   I don’t think I could have gotten married without all your help. You earned the title of Sainthood from all those weekly crying fits leading up to it and planning the bachelorette party and doing EVERYTHING the day of the wedding. Seriously, I will owe you forever on this one

14.   You are such a thoughtful present giver. It is so fun to see the light in your eyes when you are scheming the perfect present. I will love my straightener till the day I die!

15.   I love how you love being healthy. Our Saturday Zumba sessions (now with running) are THE BEST! It is so nice to have someone to swap running tales with and someone to create them with too!

16.   You know how to take control of a situation. You have a remarkable ability to just settle everyone by taking charge and taking charge the right way.

Almost as good looking as the one we took at Scott's

17.   You share EVERYTHING! And you do it so lovingly. I can hardly count the number of outfits I have borrowed from you. And how many times have you “rusked” my hair?

18.   You are amazingly good natured. As a member of our family, you are guaranteed to be very “lovingly” teased. Not only do you take the jokes made endearingly about you, but you can dish them out too.

19.   Your taste in movies, shows, and books is fantastic and luckily very comparable to mine J Which, of course, makes it the best. HP ALL THE WAY!

20.   You are so driven to accomplish anything and everything you put your mind to. As mentioned in Numero 3, you don’t do anything half way and that includes your goals.

21.   It’s really cute to see how much you love animals and how much work (and success) you have had with not-so-little Maxikins

22.   You are such a family girl. You always put your family first! Which is seriously lucky for me that I get to slip into that category too J

23.   You are one tough outdoorsy chicka! SO many (if not all…) of my camping memories involve you.

24.   Going along with 23, you are so adventurous. You are ALWAYS up for a new, last minute adventure. Like hiking angel’s landing in Zions or doing a half marathon in Moab or camping in Arches.

Remember how I feel short all the time when I am around you?

25.   I don’t know how, but you always seem to say something during trips that sparks a new catch phrase that wraps those trips up in fond memories. “I wannagoto the beach!” is probably my all-time favorite

26.   You make people (like me) feel happy to be themselves. You are always so complimentary especially of traits I wouldn’t normally be proud of. Thank you so much for loving my weirdo self J

27.   You manage to make everyone’s lives that little brighter and happier and better. You have so many gifts and you are always striving to better them and gain others.

Best picture ever taken. Ever. One of our proudest moments for forever :)

Pollock and I

I have been trying to sort through a bunch of things in life right now and I am trying to organize how I feel about it all. Sel and I are big planners. We have a little get together every Sunday to plan almost every detail of the upcoming week. We plan every meal, every workout, every social event. We evaluate our spending from the last week and set budget goals for the upcoming week. We go over what chapters we will be covering in companionship study. We discuss what we didn’t do well this week and what we are going to consequently rock at this upcoming week. Why am I telling you all these boring details of our life? To illustrate the point that Sel and I are HUGE planners. We love having goals and plans and pretty little boxes that we can happily check off as completed. The problem is right now instead of a bunch of little boxes to cross off we have a big blank piece of paper with OUR FUTURE written at the top and a smattering of question marks filling the void.

We’ve been filing away that blank piece of paper for the past little while crossing our fingers that soon enough we would have a sentence or two to add to it. A sentence about where we will be living or where Sel will be going to medical school. Or a sentence about what I am planning on doing with the next four years of my life (ha, you’re right, we weren’t really crossing our fingers for that one cause I would erase it and rewrite it every sixty seconds). Well, this week I have to make a big girl decision and part of that decision entails me to look over our blank piece of paper and be able to predict what it will eventually say. My head is spinning “What If’s” and “How’s” and “Why was I born a muggle?”

I am not really sure how to make this decision with so many pieces missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am so very excited for whatever will show up on that blank paper of ours cause I am pretty sure it will be a whole bunch of fantastic things. The waiting though is so nerve racking. It makes me want to give a big goodbye kiss to the real world and tell it to find me again when it has some answers for me. I find myself daily saying “I just wish I knew!”

As I was saying that phrase a few times today while talking to Sel I realized something. At least the future doesn’t certainly hold bad things. That piece of paper doesn’t have “Gruesome Death by Dragon” splashed across it in permanent marker. Sure, it doesn’t not say that either, but at least it isn’t definite. I guess what I am trying desperately to convince myself is a good thing is that I can erase whatever we eventually put on our paper. Nothing about my life is written in stone per say (other than the fact that I most certainly will die at some point. Cheerful, no? The only thing anyone can really write on their Life Plan Paper is death. What a reliable pal death is in this world of ever changing variables). Everything feels so out of my control right now, which if I really think about it, is an excellent thing. Me in complete control would likely resemble something by Pollock. Just a bunch of life decision splotches that I think are the perfect shade and perfectly placed, but when I step back to look at the big picture, it just looks like a toddler got into the life paintbox. So world, I think I will just keep finger painting in my corner while you paint the rest of the room for me and please, don’t paint a dragon eating me up there. Or a giant spider. Or you know, the absence of anything gruesome would be pretty chill with me.