Seventh Heaven

When I was about 11 weeks pregnant with Row, we went on a day trip to Kirkland (a city about three hours away from us). The first trimester was really emotionally intense for me. I would have awful dreams at night of holding our dead child in my arms and wake up sobbing uncontrollably. I also started having anxiety and panic attacks one of which happened on this day trip. I can't remember exactly what triggered that attack, I think something in our conversation about me having a miscarriage.  It was intense enough that I had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so badly that I started to black out. As Sel got out of the car to come to he driver's side, I had this really clear image of a young man saying "Mom, it's going to be okay. You're okay.". 

I didn't share it with Sel at the time because we were both a little drained after the attack. We didn't know the sex of the baby yet so I also didn't want to say something and have it be totally out in left field. I still remember so clearly the love I heard attached to the word "mom" when this young man said it. It held such weight and instantly comforted me. After finding out Row was a boy, I was convinced the moment in the car wasn't just from a moment of oxygen deprivation. I have become even more convinced that it was Rowan comforting me since I have had the opportunity to get to know this little boy over the past seven months. 

The beginning of February Rowan came down with a nasty virus that kept both of us exhausted and miserable. I ended up getting whatever he had and couldn't swallow worth anything. I was trying to convince Rowan to take a nap with me on one of those tiring days and Rowan was fighting it. I buried my face in the pillow and started crying, which shockingly hasn't happened much since he was born. Rowan instantly stopped fussing and started grabbing at me. When I rolled over to look at him, he had this intense look of worry that made me feel guilty for causing him distress. He then rolled as close to me as he could and wrapped those chubby baby arms of his around my neck. He started softly patting the tears on my cheeks while nuzzling into my face. It was such a sweet, tender moment that couldn't stop more tears from silently streaming down into those perfect hands of his.  Rowan can have moments where he likes to cuddle, but he mostly wants to be on the move 24-7. Having him hold me in his own little way for those few minutes  was hugely significant. 

I share these moments because this month Rowan has become more difficult, but this sweet side is still the dominating part of his character. When he throws temper tantrums,( who knew seven month olds could throw temper tantrums?) he follows it by doing something so heart-wrenchingly sweet that I am blinded to the last few hours of difficulty. 

When I pictured my children, I always envisioned them when they were already small children or even teenagers. I don't know why, but I just didn't picture my future offspring as babies. I think part of that was I didn't really think that babies could have much personality. Babies developed personality through years of nurturing and different circumstances. It is so amazing to see that Rowan came with his own sweet, determined, and active personality. Even his birth should have clued me in that this kid is as far from being a push-over as anyone probably can be. He also came with an intense interest in others. I honestly didn't think this was possible of such a tiny human. I was looking at pictures of Row in the hospital and there he is staring up at anyone who is holding him with a loving, intense interest in them. I have seen this caring, kind side of him grow over the last seven months. I have seen the beginnings of that young man who comforted me while carrying him. I feel that same weighted love when I hear Rowan say "momma" over and over agin while staring delightedly at my face. 

I just feel so grateful everyday that this perfect soul chose this imperfect woman to be his mom. 

Happy seven months Rowboat! 

Hanging with his cute friend Addie

He loves to push both legs against me and "mountain goat" as I like to call it. He will essentially just stand on my chest and demand I walk him around while keeping my upper torso stable

We went to the firefighter museum in Toledo. During prime nap time of course.

A new outfit from his Ukranian sister

He LOVES these carts at the store. I feel bad using them up when someone with two kids or twins might come in, but it makes shopping a hundred times easier when he is happy. 

Baby yoga. He'll hate me for more than just naked internet bum shots someday 

Cupid's Day

I know Valentines Day is a somewhat commercialized holiday, but I love it. Sue me. I grew up with a father who I used to mumble about giving me unrealistic expectations of what to expect in a future spouse. I could always count on chocolate and other goodies for the holiday. Give me chocolate and I will celebrate anything happily. I might even just celebrate the existence of chocolate as a holiday unto itself. 

Anyway, along came Sel and showed me he was actually more my father's son than I am his daughter. This whole week all I wanted to do for Sel was show him how much I appreciate and love him. I have felt like a big, fat failure of a wife since Rowan arrived. I spend way less time doing nice things for him and way more time requesting nice things from him. I remember learning in a psychology class in college that husbands typically report a dip in martial satisfaction after having a baby.  When I first learned that I was like, "I will never let that happen. I'll make sure my husband knows how loved he is. He'll report to whomever reports stats like these that he has actually had an increase in martial satisfaction since the baby because his smokin hot wife always has her A game on for him. " Sel has probably been privy to mostly my C- , maybe a solid C , game since October 2013.

Thanks to the Black Plague sapping any extra time and energy I might have had in the month of February, I came up with pretty much nothing for today. I keep doing the same thing over and over for every holiday, birthday and anniversary for Sel and it isn't even close to his love language. He appreciates it and all, but I know getting slammed with little love notes over and over just doesn't send him over the moon. Nerf used to be my go to, but we miraculously have reached an acceptable level of plush weaponry for his taste.   I resolved to just be sooooo happy all day long. 

At 5AM this morning, my plan went down in flames. Rowan woke up and was just not taking the bait to go back to sleep. After 45 minutes I was unhappily realizing I would be starting my day. Sel came in and tried to take Rowan so I could go back to bed for a bit. I was somewhere past the point of no return when he came in. I kept telling him to go back to bed because it was valentines day and I had this under control. He finally just snatched Row from me and headed downstairs while I dissolved into a frustrated, pathetic mess of tears. He hollered at me to go back to bed and I just sat there and cried for a few minutes before I finally crawled back under the covers. I woke up at 9:30am feeling amazing. My happiness slowly disappated  with every step I took downstairs as a sense of failure seeped into my now rested bones. I knew that today wasn't vitally important to either Sel or I, but I had really wanted to be a super awesome wife for at least 24 hours and I had already demoted myself before the sun was even up. 

Row was snoozing in his carseat and Sel was sprawled uncomfortably on the couch. It was almost too  much for me to handle when I spotted the strawberries and flowers waiting for me on the table. I apologized profusely and Sel, per usual, brushed it off acting like I was still great. He told me I hadn't been getting any sleep and it was totally understandable. I reminded him that he has gotten significantly less sleep than me in the past two weeks and is still his usual optimistic, considerate self.    I was trying to not be a debbie downer swimming around in my sad failure in front of him, but I couldn't help it.. I just wanted to give him one day of me in a stellar mood and there we were sitting in roles that have become weather worn over the past year. Sel in his comforter chair and me in my apologetic recliner. 

Sel finally got me to read his card and one if he things he said quieted me down. 

We've had loads of good times over the past five years with only the rarest of rare moments when we are tired or hungry when the whole world feels like it's falling apart. However, it never does. May we forever be well rested, well fed, and just as in love as the day we knelt at the alter. 

I looked up at Sel who was bouncing our blue-eyed baby boy on his leg and felt a rush of joy. The man sitting in front of me really, really knows me. This man who knows what I am like at my very worst and at my very best is still sitting across me with that look of love in his eyes. He didn't criticize me for not making him a gourmet breakfast or surprising him with the perfect gift. I gaurantee he won't even remember the disagreement we had this morning because it isn't in his nature to hang on to things like that. He's so much like a child in all the ways children are wonderful. He's quick to forget bad moments, easily amused and entertained, and happy as long as his basic needs for survival are being met. 

We didn't go out to a fancy dinner, have some coveted one-on-one time, or go on a fun date like we have in the past, but somehow this felt like the most romantic of Valentine's Days yet. 

These don't exactly go along with the post, but they are some of my fav outtakes from today.

Paper is sooo good. Just trust me on this. 

That face though...

Matching Avenger shirts at the grocery store. 

Half Birthday

My little Rowboat is 6 months! Holy Hannah that went fast. Where does he even get off thinking he can be half a year already.

Rowan has recently mastered sitting up and out-of-water swimming. He will lay on his tummy looking at an object he wants then furiously pump his arms and legs up and down determined to swim to it. This technique hasn't worked quite yet, but he's certain enough for the both of us that it will soon. 

He is seriously such a happy kid. He has a way better personality than I ever have. He smiles at anyone who will look his way and sometimes I catch him just smiling at random objects like they are B.F.F's.  He adores his own reflection and other babies. The other day at Kroger there was a life sized picture of a baby on the wall and he started babbling up a storm and even let out a little laugh while trying to touch the ad. His laugh, by the way, may very well be the best sound that has ever echoed across this universe. His baby blues  and toothy grin tend to get complimented the most when we are out and about. He manages to express so much with those sparkling eyes of his. He so often exudes this complete adoration of life itself. He thinks every person who looks at him is the most spectacular thing he has ever seen. He is such a delightful, delicious little thing that is teaching me how to be a better person everyday. 

He hit a crazy growth spurt last month. He was barely fitting in 12 month clothing one week and seven days later, 18 months was the new norm. It's kind of frustrating to find clothes for him at this stage because he loves the comfy clothes typical for a lad his age, but I have been want to find much. They seriously should make a baby big and tall store for all the babes who missed the memo on being averagely sized. He is now 21 pounds and 28 inches long. The nurse just laughed while taking his height exclaiming all the while how tall he was. Ironically, he wasn't off the charts for height as he has been in previous months and was in the 93% instead. I mostly just wanted someone to tell me I was justified in moaning a bit about how heavy the kid is. I don't exactly have room to complain, however, because there a few kiddos younger than him who are almost the exact same size. Still….shouldn't they start walking by now? Toting his 21 pounds plus an infant carrier around better darn well leave me crazy ripped instead of crippled. 

Row has been loving going to the daycare at the gym for an hour or so everyday. The staff is phenomenal and so incredibly sweet. I was hesitant at first about leaving him with strangers and a room full of other random kids, but then I creepily spied on them the first day and saw how attentive and loving they were with him. He spends most of the time observing the other kids and trying to swim to them on the floor. He also has started to sign milk back to me when I ask him if that's what he wants.

What else? Well this last week has been a pretty crappy one. Rowan came down with a fever on Sunday and has been up and down the health scale since then. The first two days were miserable. He felt horrible and couldn't sleep longer than twenty minutes at a time. One night I alternated between laying on the floor with him to letting him sleep on me in the rocking chair. It was rough stuff, but I definitely felt some divine help chugging me along so I could care for the poor sickie. I also had an awesome friend show up at my door with some much needed and appreciated caffeine. 

Being a parent has given me a lot of time to reflect on my upbringing. I never comprehended the sacrifices my parents had to make to raise me. You don't see the run ragged side of parenting until you are there yourself. Parents, my parents, really are some of the most heroic people I know. 

I also see everyone in a whole different light. Everyone I meet has a mother who once held them the way I hold Rowan. I can't stop myself from imaging every grocery store clerk, crazy Toledo driver, or    even TV characters as the babies they once were. It makes me want to hug way more people than I ever would have wanted to before Row got here. 

Motherhood really is a roller coaster ride. One second I am questioning how I will make it another hour and then the next , I want nothing more than to suspend time and live this same moment over and over. I am so grateful to have scored such an excellent theme park partner. Sel is usually the only reason I have at least a semblance of sanity intact.

Keeping it warm and real in Sel's coat

This is a cropped down picture of the cutest little cousins on the Warden dads shoulders. I cropped it so you could see how chubs Row looks with that double chin for the win

Row adored his first time swimming. He was so wiggly while I tried to get a swim diaper on him because all he wanted was to get in that giant body of water RIGHT now. I seriously don't know how I would survive without all the fun playdates all my mom friends do during the week. We are friends with some fantastic people who always seem game for something to relieve the gloom of Toledo winters. 

He was very intrigued by the giant yellow slide. 

Sometimes I have no idea how he can open that little mouth of his SO big. I think he is always hoping someone will throw a piece of food in there for him

Row is usually always smiling and happy, but this captured how miserable the poor little guy was this whole week. The first three days he barely ate or slept. We bought a little medicine dropper and put expressed drops of milk in his mouth so he wouldn't get dehydrated. He finally started to be his bubbly self for a few hours each day, but is still not fully recovered. Bleh. 

He insisted on clipping his own talons

He LOVED this baby doll. He wanted nothing to do with the light up balls once he saw this little mini me. 

Row has been trying to scuba dive in the tub lately which usually ends with him choking on a mouthful of water and me having a mini panic attack. We found this duck tub that is supposed to help babies transition to the big tub and it has been a raving success.