Seventh Heaven

When I was about 11 weeks pregnant with Row, we went on a day trip to Kirkland (a city about three hours away from us). The first trimester was really emotionally intense for me. I would have awful dreams at night of holding our dead child in my arms and wake up sobbing uncontrollably. I also started having anxiety and panic attacks one of which happened on this day trip. I can't remember exactly what triggered that attack, I think something in our conversation about me having a miscarriage.  It was intense enough that I had to pull over because I was hyperventilating so badly that I started to black out. As Sel got out of the car to come to he driver's side, I had this really clear image of a young man saying "Mom, it's going to be okay. You're okay.". 

I didn't share it with Sel at the time because we were both a little drained after the attack. We didn't know the sex of the baby yet so I also didn't want to say something and have it be totally out in left field. I still remember so clearly the love I heard attached to the word "mom" when this young man said it. It held such weight and instantly comforted me. After finding out Row was a boy, I was convinced the moment in the car wasn't just from a moment of oxygen deprivation. I have become even more convinced that it was Rowan comforting me since I have had the opportunity to get to know this little boy over the past seven months. 

The beginning of February Rowan came down with a nasty virus that kept both of us exhausted and miserable. I ended up getting whatever he had and couldn't swallow worth anything. I was trying to convince Rowan to take a nap with me on one of those tiring days and Rowan was fighting it. I buried my face in the pillow and started crying, which shockingly hasn't happened much since he was born. Rowan instantly stopped fussing and started grabbing at me. When I rolled over to look at him, he had this intense look of worry that made me feel guilty for causing him distress. He then rolled as close to me as he could and wrapped those chubby baby arms of his around my neck. He started softly patting the tears on my cheeks while nuzzling into my face. It was such a sweet, tender moment that couldn't stop more tears from silently streaming down into those perfect hands of his.  Rowan can have moments where he likes to cuddle, but he mostly wants to be on the move 24-7. Having him hold me in his own little way for those few minutes  was hugely significant. 

I share these moments because this month Rowan has become more difficult, but this sweet side is still the dominating part of his character. When he throws temper tantrums,( who knew seven month olds could throw temper tantrums?) he follows it by doing something so heart-wrenchingly sweet that I am blinded to the last few hours of difficulty. 

When I pictured my children, I always envisioned them when they were already small children or even teenagers. I don't know why, but I just didn't picture my future offspring as babies. I think part of that was I didn't really think that babies could have much personality. Babies developed personality through years of nurturing and different circumstances. It is so amazing to see that Rowan came with his own sweet, determined, and active personality. Even his birth should have clued me in that this kid is as far from being a push-over as anyone probably can be. He also came with an intense interest in others. I honestly didn't think this was possible of such a tiny human. I was looking at pictures of Row in the hospital and there he is staring up at anyone who is holding him with a loving, intense interest in them. I have seen this caring, kind side of him grow over the last seven months. I have seen the beginnings of that young man who comforted me while carrying him. I feel that same weighted love when I hear Rowan say "momma" over and over agin while staring delightedly at my face. 

I just feel so grateful everyday that this perfect soul chose this imperfect woman to be his mom. 

Happy seven months Rowboat! 

Hanging with his cute friend Addie

He loves to push both legs against me and "mountain goat" as I like to call it. He will essentially just stand on my chest and demand I walk him around while keeping my upper torso stable

We went to the firefighter museum in Toledo. During prime nap time of course.

A new outfit from his Ukranian sister

He LOVES these carts at the store. I feel bad using them up when someone with two kids or twins might come in, but it makes shopping a hundred times easier when he is happy. 

Baby yoga. He'll hate me for more than just naked internet bum shots someday