Declarations of a King: Cupid's Day

I know Valentines Day is a somewhat commercialized holiday, but I love it. Sue me. I grew up with a father who I used to mumble about giving me unrealistic expectations of what to expect in a future spouse. I could always count on chocolate and other goodies for the holiday. Give me chocolate and I will celebrate anything happily. I might even just celebrate the existence of chocolate as a holiday unto itself.

Anyway, along came Sel and showed me he was actually more my father's son than I am his daughter. This whole week all I wanted to do for Sel was show him how much I appreciate and love him. I have felt like a big, fat failure of a wife since Rowan arrived. I spend way less time doing nice things for him and way more time requesting nice things from him. I remember learning in a psychology class in college that husbands typically report a dip in martial satisfaction after having a baby. When I first learned that I was like, "I will never let that happen. I'll make sure my husband knows how loved he is. He'll report to whomever reports stats like these that he has actually had an increase in martial satisfaction since the baby because his smokin hot wife always has her A game on for him. " Sel has probably been privy to mostly my C- , maybe a solid C , game since October 2013.

Thanks to the Black Plague sapping any extra time and energy I might have had in the month of February, I came up with pretty much nothing for today. I keep doing the same thing over and over for every holiday, birthday and anniversary for Sel and it isn't even close to his love language. He appreciates it and all, but I know getting slammed with little love notes over and over just doesn't send him over the moon. Nerf used to be my go to, but we miraculously have reached an acceptable level of plush weaponry for his taste. I resolved to just be sooooo happy all day long.

At 5AM this morning, my plan went down in flames. Rowan woke up and was just not taking the bait to go back to sleep. After 45 minutes I was unhappily realizing I would be starting my day. Sel came in and tried to take Rowan so I could go back to bed for a bit. I was somewhere past the point of no return when he came in. I kept telling him to go back to bed because it was valentines day and I had this under control. He finally just snatched Row from me and headed downstairs while I dissolved into a frustrated, pathetic mess of tears. He hollered at me to go back to bed and I just sat there and cried for a few minutes before I finally crawled back under the covers. I woke up at 9:30am feeling amazing. My happiness slowly disappated with every step I took downstairs as a sense of failure seeped into my now rested bones. I knew that today wasn't vitally important to either Sel or I, but I had really wanted to be a super awesome wife for at least 24 hours and I had already demoted myself before the sun was even up.

Row was snoozing in his carseat and Sel was sprawled uncomfortably on the couch. It was almost too much for me to handle when I spotted the strawberries and flowers waiting for me on the table. I apologized profusely and Sel, per usual, brushed it off acting like I was still great. He told me I hadn't been getting any sleep and it was totally understandable. I reminded him that he has gotten significantly less sleep than me in the past two weeks and is still his usual optimistic, considerate self. I was trying to not be a debbie downer swimming around in my sad failure in front of him, but I couldn't help it.. I just wanted to give him one day of me in a stellar mood and there we were sitting in roles that have become weather worn over the past year. Sel in his comforter chair and me in my apologetic recliner.

Sel finally got me to read his card and one if he things he said quieted me down.

We've had loads of good times over the past five years with only the rarest of rare moments when we are tired or hungry when the whole world feels like it's falling apart. However, it never does. May we forever be well rested, well fed, and just as in love as the day we knelt at the alter.

I looked up at Sel who was bouncing our blue-eyed baby boy on his leg and felt a rush of joy. The man sitting in front of me really, really knows me. This man who knows what I am like at my very worst and at my very best is still sitting across me with that look of love in his eyes. He didn't criticize me for not making him a gourmet breakfast or surprising him with the perfect gift. I gaurantee he won't even remember the disagreement we had this morning because it isn't in his nature to hang on to things like that. He's so much like a child in all the ways children are wonderful. He's quick to forget bad moments, easily amused and entertained, and happy as long as his basic needs for survival are being met.

We didn't go out to a fancy dinner, have some coveted one-on-one time, or go on a fun date like we have in the past, but somehow this felt like the most romantic of Valentine's Days yet.