Chest/Back Hair Design Inc.

My chromosome donors are big entrepreneurs. My dad has dappled in a few different career choices over the years and has excelled at all of them. The one he has by far had the most success in is writing horror novels. He also had notable success as a certified house cat masseuse. My mom appeared to be involved in multiple careers throughout her life, but each one was a cover for her actual involvement as a spy for the C.I.A. They are reaching an age now where writing fantastical horror novels and shooting bad guys takes a bit too much out of them. They have been talking about a more low key, yet extremely promising business for years now and have finally gathered the necessary documentation to live their dream. My parents’ new business is called “The Kings’ Chest & Back Hair Design Company Inc.” Bet that just gave you shivers. When is the last time you heard of a chest/back hair design company? That’s what I thought. Customers will be offered a wide range of possible designs at unbeatable prices.

$5.00: Animal Art, Super Hero Symbology, Standard Geometric Patterns (Repeating & Solitary).

$6.00: Celebrity Facades, Mythical Creatures, College Mascots

$7.00: Fictional Characters, Democratic Political Figures, and Rainbows (+$0.50 for a Double Rainbow, +$0.75 for a Triple Rainbow).

$8.00: Republican Political Figures, Will Ferrell’s Face, and The Abominable Snowman

My younger sister is one of the few females I know with excessive body hair. Even while taking her medication, her back and chest hair still add about three pounds to her overall weight. While females with similar conditions exist, the majority of the female population is chest/back hair free. To avoid the accusation of being a sexist, my parents have signed a contract with the local homeless shelter. They will pay willing homeless men for their facial hair by the pound. They will then combine this facial hair with a few yards of hair plugs and an ounce or two of our gender confused bunny rabbit’s fur. The final product will be attached to the female customer’s chest or back with no extra cost. If the customer wishes, however, they may have their chest/back hair highlighted for an additional dollar per highlight.

I technically am not allowed to reveal this yet, but they are also perfecting the chest/back cheat sheet design. This will come in a few varieties. The package is called the A + Homeless Back Hair Buddy. On top of facial hair donations, my parents contract also entails using the back hair of homeless men as a template for academic purposes. Say you have an upcoming test you are bound to fail and need someone to sit in front of you with all of the answers on their back. Simply bring in equations, notes, etc. and my parents will shave whatever you need into the back hair of the homeless person of your choice. The homeless person will than accompany you to school or the testing center and sit in front of you. You might be asking yourself how exactly you are going to sneak a shirtless homeless person into the testing center/school with you. Well, here is the continuation of pure brilliance. My parents offer two (technically three) fool proof options. The first is to break both of your legs and confine you to a wheelchair. Our in-house doctor will write you a medical note granting permission for a constant wheel chair pushing companion (our homeless associate). We also have the option of pretending you are deaf and having a homeless associate act as your translator (this is our most expensive option considering we will have to teach our employees sign language). The third option involves pouring sulfuric acid on your eyeballs causing you to go blind and then assigning you a seeing eye dog who has the cheat sheet of your design shaved in its fur. This is complicated because you will be blind and will have to design a cheat sheet in Braille. This option is called “The Furry Helen Keller”.

I know. I know. Calm down. Yes, it is the most exciting thing you have likely heard of in your entire life. My parents are certifiable geniuses.

Bravo parents. Bravo!