Looking Back

So it is a busy week. A week of lots of things to procrastinate by reading my old journal when I should be reading my psych book...

I just wanted to briefly share this entry I found about Sel :) cause it made me smile and made me realize how well things can turn out if you don't try and mess it up by being crazy-

November 7th, 2010-Sel has everything I could ever want: patience, brilliance, ambition, compassion, spirituality, athleticism, he is distractingly handsome AND he has a great family. He even has the small things I didn't even realize I wanted-he served the same mission as my dad, he puts his arm around me, he laughs like a little boy sometimes, he makes me laugh all the time, he makes hysterical faces, seems genuinely concerned about me, doesn't care for watching sports all that much, loves traveling, appreciates the same YouTube videos I do, doesn't care that I am clumsy, lets me vent to him, opens the car door for me every single time, wants the same number of kidlets...I could go on, but the very few remaining pages of this journal force my hand still. I don't necessarily need to know that this is the boy I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, but it would help to know that relatively soon... I need to know that he can handle me-my occasional outbursts of emotion, my idiotic moments, those critical times where I pull away instead of draw close, my lack of life skills. I need to know he will chose to love me not just inspite of these things, but almost for them. I think my parents have that kind of love, loving one another's weaknesses in a way. I don't think I will ever struggle loving another human being, especially him. I already want to do all these things for him to let him know how I love him, but I fear of overwhelming him, having it be excessive. I am truly terrified of putting my heart fully on the line for someone I already care so much about and having it possibly be rejected. I don't think I could survive it very well at all. Thing really will turn out the way they are supposed to. I shouldn't fret because I know there is a plan for me one way or another

Love, L

I teared up reading this because I remember feeling this way. So terrified of rejection that I almost hindered the happiest thing that has ever happened to me.

Sel is amazing. Journals are amazing. Procrastination is amazing. Sonic cherry limeade is amazing. Taking tests on material you haven't studied and not caring because you have lots of amazing things in your life called graduation in a few shorts months is..almost amazing...maybe?