The Chocolate Moon

Every month I am struck with the task of suppressing "the creature". Before I discuss the difficulties of suppression, I shall discuss what the creature actually is. The creature is difficult to define as it can change not only psychologically, but physiologically at any given moment (anyone else ever every realized how annoyingly similar these words are? I have.) After extensive study of the creature, I have compiled its nature into two very broad categories

1. Banshee Stage- while physically docile, the specimen will often take to laying on the floor and moaning about the end of the world. The creature will also threaten 3-4 times within a ten minute period to cut out its organs. This moaning should not be taken lightly. The creature must be told the following things within 2 hours of the onset of moaning to prevent dire flooding repercussions:

"You are exceptionally beautiful even though you haven't showered and are laying on the floor like a pathetic lump"

"Everything you are complaining about is completely rational and I greatly sympathize with you"

"You are gorgeous and I like your oversized night shirt"

"You don't have to go to class. What you are suffering from obviously prevents you from doing so"

2. Shewolf Stage: This is the most dangerous stage for the creature to be in. Physical and emotional harm will occur to anyone who knowingly or unknowingly upsets the creature. The creature is most vulnerable and, therefore, aggressive at these points. Extreme caution should be taken. Luckily, the shewolf stage has very specific physical manifestions indicating the dangerous stage the creature is in. The shewolf will be unshowered, have unkempt hair, will be wearing a hideous smattering of bagging clothing, and its eyes, oh its venomous eyes, will actually be spraying its victims with hydrochloric acid.

I was bitten by this most atrocious disease when I was 13 and have been desperately searching for a cure ever since. In the many years I've spent studying this debilitating disease, I have found an extremely helpful suppressive chemical: Theobromine. It's street name: Chocolate. When the full moon of death hovers over me, normal food turns to sawdust in my mouth. My very cells reject normal nutrients and I am left ravenous for the sole energy provider. I begin to question why things not made of chocolate even dare to exist: chairs, traffic cones, books. All are simply taking up valuable chocolate space. The creature slowly begins to emerge unless I ingest massive amounts of chocolate. My meals begin to look like this

Breakfast: Coco Puffs with Chocolate Milk

Lunch: 1/4 lb Heath Bar Fudge

Snack: Kit Kat Bar

Dinner: Licking the dark chocolate off the bottom of granola thins

Dessert: Drinking a gallon of hot chocolate and then resorting to simply snorting the coco up your nose for quicker chocolate uptake

My parents, my sister, the Milks, Sel, and my roommates are all the unfortunate eyewitnesses to my condition. Please comfort them (especially Sel) if you see them around :)

If you happen to be suffering from similar Creature symptoms, I must adamently recommend theobromine. There is hope! You are no longer required to seek the help of Severus Snape for a cure! You will be free to snog in the Hogshead anytime you want once you eat at least a pound or two (or six) of this a day.