Arachna-Freaking-Phobia

I have come a long, long way since childhood. In more ways than one, of course, but namely in terms of NOT turning into a pathetic banshee when I encounter 8 legged freaks. Have you seen Arachnaphobia? You know, the movie with Jeff Daniels and John Goodman where their small town inherits a nest of highly posinous spiders from South America? The movie that makes you feel like you have small things crawling creepily across your body the whole time and days afterward. The movie with the shower scene that more or less happened to me yesterday.

Our apartment has spiders and we have mastered the art of spraying their vampiric bodies with Raid whenever we encounter them. Don't get me wrong, I think spiders are fascinating EXCEPT when they crawl on me/create a potential situation by living in my apartment where they could crawl on us and bite Sel or I and then drink our blood.

I especially hate spiders when they try to eat me at my most vulnerable moments. Moments where I am butt naked and dripping wet. Moments like last night when I noticed the towel I was wrapped up in had a gigantic brown and white spider trying to crawl into my hair. I had a very irrational moment where I then ferociously flung my towel to the ground at lightening speed, streaked past a confused Sel into our bedroom screaming "KILL IT! KILL ARAGOG!!!", and then hid under our covers twitching everytime a droplet of water from my hair tricked my body into thinking a spider was still crawling on my naked bod.

Sel, being the good hubby he is, went into the bathroom while I cowered in the bedroom. He lifted up my fallen towel and Mister Hannibal Lecter Junior sprung out of it and tried to eat Sel's face off. Sel fell back shocked at the fact that for once in my life, I wasn't exaggerating when I said it was humongous.

Just like in Arachnophobia, there is a happy ending. Instead of harpooning the monster with a flaming piece of justified death, Sel used his fist of iron to squish his venomous body.

He left me the honor of flushing him down the toilet so I could feel like I sorta conquered the Beast. What would I do without my Sam who came back to save me from certain Spider inflicted death?

Other momentary thought on this. I have mentioned on my blog before the existence of a chicken eating spider. They are real. Look um up. Anyway, I had a thought last night after the near death incident about what it would be like to have a pet chicken eating spider. They usually range around the size of a large cat/small dog, come from the tarantula family-so they are fluffy, and would eat pretty much the same food that household pets like cats and dogs sometimes eat. Somehow a giant, fluffy animal eating spider seems less scary than a moderately large, posion filled spider.

Can you imagine how funny it would be to take your chicken eating spider on a walk and then watch as it tugged at it's leash in an attempt to eat a poodle?

Or what if they started creating chicken eating spider clothes the way they do for dogs? You could dress your spider in a pink little bonnet with 8 matching pink booties.

Do you think I could get one on Ebay and maybe send a few as gifts to my mom, sister, and anyone else I know who loves fluffy creatures?