Pollock and I

I have been trying to sort through a bunch of things in life right now and I am trying to organize how I feel about it all. Sel and I are big planners. We have a little get together every Sunday to plan almost every detail of the upcoming week. We plan every meal, every workout, every social event. We evaluate our spending from the last week and set budget goals for the upcoming week. We go over what chapters we will be covering in companionship study. We discuss what we didn’t do well this week and what we are going to consequently rock at this upcoming week. Why am I telling you all these boring details of our life? To illustrate the point that Sel and I are HUGE planners. We love having goals and plans and pretty little boxes that we can happily check off as completed. The problem is right now instead of a bunch of little boxes to cross off we have a big blank piece of paper with OUR FUTURE written at the top and a smattering of question marks filling the void.

We’ve been filing away that blank piece of paper for the past little while crossing our fingers that soon enough we would have a sentence or two to add to it. A sentence about where we will be living or where Sel will be going to medical school. Or a sentence about what I am planning on doing with the next four years of my life (ha, you’re right, we weren’t really crossing our fingers for that one cause I would erase it and rewrite it every sixty seconds). Well, this week I have to make a big girl decision and part of that decision entails me to look over our blank piece of paper and be able to predict what it will eventually say. My head is spinning “What If’s” and “How’s” and “Why was I born a muggle?”

I am not really sure how to make this decision with so many pieces missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am so very excited for whatever will show up on that blank paper of ours cause I am pretty sure it will be a whole bunch of fantastic things. The waiting though is so nerve racking. It makes me want to give a big goodbye kiss to the real world and tell it to find me again when it has some answers for me. I find myself daily saying “I just wish I knew!”

As I was saying that phrase a few times today while talking to Sel I realized something. At least the future doesn’t certainly hold bad things. That piece of paper doesn’t have “Gruesome Death by Dragon” splashed across it in permanent marker. Sure, it doesn’t not say that either, but at least it isn’t definite. I guess what I am trying desperately to convince myself is a good thing is that I can erase whatever we eventually put on our paper. Nothing about my life is written in stone per say (other than the fact that I most certainly will die at some point. Cheerful, no? The only thing anyone can really write on their Life Plan Paper is death. What a reliable pal death is in this world of ever changing variables). Everything feels so out of my control right now, which if I really think about it, is an excellent thing. Me in complete control would likely resemble something by Pollock. Just a bunch of life decision splotches that I think are the perfect shade and perfectly placed, but when I step back to look at the big picture, it just looks like a toddler got into the life paintbox. So world, I think I will just keep finger painting in my corner while you paint the rest of the room for me and please, don’t paint a dragon eating me up there. Or a giant spider. Or you know, the absence of anything gruesome would be pretty chill with me.