The Glass Bridezilla

I would like to elope. To the temple. I have decided I too har

shly judged the girls I watched on Bridezilla. Let me get a few things straight before I launch in. First, I am so excited to get married to Sel I can hardly stand it. Second, the help pouring in for this thrilling event has been overwhelming and so humbling and has helped lessen the now mounting stress.

Now...I have decided weddings are not so much fun actually. I despise the drama it causes with friends and family. I hate the stress and pressure it pours upon everyone. I feel as if I am hemorrhaging money as are my parents, in-laws, and other family members. I feel sick thinking of all the money that is going into this that could be spent other places (like tuition, books, rent, food). Time seems to be some deranged black hole erasing large chunks of my day without me realizing. I try every night to get more than six hours of sleep, but the hours are somehow vaporized during my walk from the bathroom to my bedroom. I feel as if the precious time I should be spending thanking my family and enjoying the wonderful people they are has vanished into hours I will never get back. I feel sad thinking of those who I love so dearly, who I always pictured there not being able to be (they have some pretty darn good excuses, but I will miss them terribly). I feel panicked thinking of all the things I still need to do and afraid I might be forgetting. My emotions are spilling over the edge, threatening my sanity.

(Mugs-the sister who saves me daily)

Today the floodgates unleashed on my sweet, helpful cousin after she concernedly pointed out my resemblance of a zombie lately. She helped me organize all of the things I need to do and helped me check a bunch of them off the list. Despite her helping hand, I can't shake these feelings of panic. I don't want to feel this way approaching the best day of my life. I have seen enough reality T.V. and my own friends and family go through this same thing, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I am seconds from telling everyone to take back all their money, time, effort, and stress and just join us for a picnic of PB& J's in the park after the sealing. Again, my family (in-laws have been included in this term for a long while now) has been SO helpful and kind and caring. I think I would be getting fitted for a white straight jacket right now instead of a white dress if it weren't for them. Today, one of the co-workers I went skydiving with bought me a frosty. This was almost enough to get me crying. First, because it was unexpected and thoughtful. Second, because he drives a motorcycle and had to drive one-handed while trying to balance it (and himself) with the other.

It really has become a cycle of debilitating guilt. I sit and think about how much stress we are causing everyone. And then I feel guilty for not appreciating their sacrifices enough or letting them know. And then I feel guilty for being the cause of such sacrifices. And then I feel guilty for caring so much and not being tough enough to handle it all. And then I finally decide now would be a good time to go to bed.

* I apologize for the thought explosion on this. I acknowledge somewhere in my fogged up brain that I should not be writing this late. Thank goodness Mugs is the best in the world and taking me for my first ever pedicure tomorrow to help bring me back to life.