Baby #2 (7-8 weeks?)

These days are going by soooo slow. Something I remember vividly from the first time around with Rowan. Why must Oct 30th be forever away? The pregnancy crazy has decided to make a reappearance, but luckily not as intense as the first time. Hopefully it keeps that way in the passing weeks.

1. Number of Weeks:  About 8 weeks? Still not sure about this. We will find out in TEN days! Come on and get here already. 

2. Due Date:  Somewhere between May 28th, 2016- June 3rd, 2016? Which going by how late Rowan was, most likely the middle of June. 

3. Gender : I still feel like I know on this one, but I probably don't. I honestly would be happy with either! A little buddy for Rowan or a little sis for him. I still am trying to convince Sel to let me find out as my Christmas present, but he wants to wait until it's Free.99 at the OB office in January. 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a raspberry. 

5. Weight Gain/Loss: Down 4 lbs. With Rowan's pregnancy I lost 13 lbs in the first trimester without really being sick. I just wasn't as interested in food which wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to my food-loving self. This time around, I find my nausea peaks when I am hungry. If I am able to get past the first few bites, I feel fine. I am sooo lucky in pregnancy. I know too many friends and family who get ragingly sick and I seriously don't know how they do it. I was a bit terrified of getting pregnant again while having to chase Rowan around, but I've been amazingly blessed.

6 Maternity Clothes: Still no. The attractive bloating from the past few weeks has diminished a bit. 

7. Energy/Sleep Still not overwhelming with this one. It's not an all day thing. It will hit randomly and then stop if I sit down for a little bit.  

8. Symptoms: They really come and go. The crazy has set in regarding my fluctuating symptoms. When I feel normal, I am convinced we've lost the baby. When the nausea, aches, and irritability return I feel better thinking everything is okay. I know that sounds nuts, but I've always been a little crazy. It makes sense that pregnancy sends me over that line I constantly tip-toe around. My emotions aren't nearly as intense and volatile as before. Instead of mood swings, I've been having temperature swings. I will get so, so hot I can hardly handle it. Five minutes later I will be throwing on layers upon layers of blankets, coats, sweaters to keep warm.

9. Exercise: I am very proud of myself for exercising everyday (minus Sunday) so far. The days I work leave me pretty worn down, but I've managed to force myself to walk on the treadmill or do my pregnancy video tape anyway. I also ran a mile at the gym today and felt relatively normal during it. Enough to, of course, convince me I was miscarrying. WHY AM I SO CRAZY? Why do people feel the need to tell pregnant women about miscarriages immediately upon hearing they are expecting? 

10. Thoughts for this Week I just can't wait for our ultrasound! I just want to see the little bean, see the heartbeat and have someone else confirm that this is actually happening. We've told a small handful of people and I can hardly wait to tell our families. We had this idea of waiting until we found out the gender to spill the beans, but I don't think I can wait that long. I've been having a bit of guilt about having another since it's been effecting my milk supply for Rowan. He will nurse for a little bit, then look up at me with those big blue eyes of his and plead for more milk. It hurts my heart a little bit to not be able to give it to him. He also hates juice and plain milk so weaning him to something else is going about as well as you could imagine for a child who hates anything but water or chocolate milk. 

Baby #2 (8-9 weeks)

We told our whole families this week. We were planning on waiting and doing it in some fun way, but failed. We are sort of lazy when it comes to that sort of thing.

1. Number of Weeks:  About 9 weeks? Still not sure about this. We will find out this week! I can hardly wait for Friday!!

2. Due Date:  Somewhere between May 28th, 2016- June 3rd, 2016? Which going by how late Rowan was, most likely the middle of June. 

3. Gender : I am almost 99% certain it is a boy. Mother's intuition? I was right about Rowan. I kept saying girl so I wouldn't be disappointed if it wasn't a boy. Also, let me say something about that. All babies are blessings and it doesn't matter the gender. I've learned plenty in raising a very sensitive, sweet, emotional boy that gender truly doesn't determine much of a personality. 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a grape

5. Weight Gain/Loss: Down 5 lbs. I am such a naive fool. I kept saying I feel so great! Hello week 9. I had forgotten when this thing gets real and it's now. Most food makes me want to gag. I will take a bite then dream about throwing up. My body is so amazingly good at not throwing up though even when it would help. I've even tried to make myself hurl a few times when it was really bad and no luck. If you ever want to poison me, rest assured I will inevitably die because I won't be able to empty my stomach of the poison. I am still exercising regularly, nursing and growing a human so I think my body is in overdrive for calorie burning. I would be pleased if I didn't feel like throwing up. Alllso smells. Today Sel had chicken for breakfast and I had to leave the house for three hours because I couldn't stand it.

6 Maternity Clothes: Still no. My clothes are fitting so weird. Some that were tight a few weeks ago keep falling off of me. I think my waist is slimming out while my booty is greedily taking any food I can eat. 

7. Energy/Sleep Things have started to hit the fan this week. It's still not a constant feeling of exhaustion. It will just hit me for a little bit. I am able to take a nap on my days off and that has helped SO much!

8. Symptoms: I really am so thankful for my constant feeling of nausea lately. It makes me feel like my baby really is growing healthily if my body is changing so much each passing day. Since I can't throw up, my body has been dealing with that in a different passageway. I won't go on because absolutely no one wants to know anything else about that, especially me.

9. Exercise: My goal has been to run a mile everyday that I am off. I've had to start doing a more "interval" mile. I will run 1/4 then walk 1/4 then run the rest. I usually go about 2.5 miles total in my 30 minutes on the treadmill. Doubt anyone cares about the specifics, but just know I am really trying to keep up with exercise and it's mostly working.

10. Cravings/Aversions Apples. I could eat a bushel a day. Bagels. There was an incident this week where I cried over a bagel Sel bought me because I was so, so grateful for him and it. I then walked over to Panera and got another bagel five minutes later. I wish I could only eat bagels and not feel bad about it.
Pizza is awful, but I mostly already knew that. I've entered a phase I remember too well from the last time where I will make food or be mid-process of making food, then decide it's the most disgusting thing in the universe. It's made for a lot of wasted meals at our house. We also have been eating out way too often because of this. I'm the worst.

11. Thoughts for this Week I cannot what for FRIDAY! I have had a few mood swings and done better at keeping myself in check. Sel is a patient man with my grumpiness. There is so much going on this week to distract me from my mounting desire for it to just be freaking Friday already. 

Baby #2 9 Weeks

We saw our baby! And he's adorable! It was so wonderful to see his little heart beating happily along inside of me.
1. Number of Weeks:  9 Weeks officially. I was so relieved and happy to see our healthy baby, but also disappointed that I lost 9 days of what I thought were hard-earned first trimester days. Every day seems to massively count these first few months and I was admittedly disappointed to be bumped back. However, I am pretty sure this happened with Rowan too. They based it off of my LMP instead of my ultrasound which made Rowan seem extra late when he was probably just a week late. 

2. Due Date:  June 7th, 2016. 

3. Gender : I am now 100% certain it is a boy. I would be absolutely floored if they tell us girl in a few weeks. I just feel boy. This pregnancy is about the same as Rowan's. Also, I looked up the Ramzi method after our ultrasound and this little guy is for sure nestled on the right side. My correct inclinations will be proven right the week of Christmas. Yay! Can you believe Christmas is only 8 weeks away? 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a grape

5. Weight Gain/Loss: Still down  a few lbs. Nothing significant.  I am still feeling relatively fine. I will feel sick or have an aversion to something and still manage to eat it. The other day I proudly chowed through a salad that seemed repulsive. Then I also ate a handful of chocolate that seemed disgusting…so not much to be proud of for "overcoming" my pregnancy sickness.

6 Maternity Clothes: I pulled on some glorious maternity capri's today because it has been unnaturally warm for November in Ohio. They were comfy to the max albeit big. 

7. Energy/Sleep I took a nap today and it was amazing. I crave them on the days I work, but am luckily getting through just fine. 

8. Symptoms: They change day to day. Today I've been feeling really my pelvis is trying to expand at an unnaturally quick pace. Sounds cute doesn't it? I also have a super power nose that is ruining my life. Poopy diapers get me the closest I have so far to throwing up.

9. Exercise: Still doing pretty good here. Rowan was sick today so I didn't take him to the gym. I vowed to run while he was napping, but I napped instead. Oh well.
I am also sadly still having trouble with my Achilles which is the worst. It's the longest injury I've had to deal with and I don't see it getting better during pregnancy.

10. Cravings/Aversions Refried beans. Except every time I open the can I want to vomit. It smells like cat food. Once it is warmed up though, that baby and I sing hallelujah to those beautiful Latin's who brought culinary joy to America.
Also, water. A never ending supply of dihydrogen monoxide please. I forgot that my office went through an extra three gallons of water (for real though) when I was pregnant. It makes me have to pee every millisecond, but I don't even care because it is alllll I want.
Fruit. I want ALL of the fruit. All of it.
I thought I wanted chocolate cake the other day and it was a huge mistake. I took one bite of that expensive layered raspberry drizzled dessert and hated it. I really ought to be celebrating my aversion to "unhealthy" foods, but my brain has yet to catch up with my stomach.


11. Thoughts for this Week It still doesn't feel real. Is that weird? I saw there is for sure a baby in there and yet I still feel a bit in shock. Maybe when the belly starts to show up again it will feel real? I remember thinking once we knew Row's gender it would feel real, but I feel so certain on this new little guy that I don't think finding out I am right would make it all of a sudden real. I have a feeling the next two months are going to fly by with all the holidays. Let's hope Sel being away for six straight weeks will not change the quick succession of these upcoming weeks.

 Our new little guy.

Also, I threw a Harry Potter party for Halloween and discovered I am famous on Pinterest and no one even told me. I made those beautiful chocolate frogs junior year at BYU and it was pinned all over the place for HP related things. Of all the places to be famous, Pinterest was the absolute last place I would have expected. Hollywood's Hottest Actresses, Nobel Peace Prize Winners, Best Selling Author perhaps, but not a page dedicated to perfect crafting, cooking, and whatever else. 

Baby #2 Week 10

Double digits baby!

1. Number of Weeks:  10 weeks

2. Due Date:  June 7th, 2016. 

3. Gender : Still pretty certain it is a boy 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a kumquat 

5. Weight Gain/Loss: Down another 2 lbs. I looked up my previous posts about Rowan and I lost 8-10 lbs the first trimester. I am thinking I won't lose quite that much this time around, but it makes sense it is following a similar pattern to the first time.

6 Maternity Clothes: My body is so weirdly shaped right now. My pants are getting looser? Pregnancy is weird. 

7. Energy/Sleep Much less of this lately. Sad face. 

8. Symptoms: Nausea has been an all time high this week. Booo.
Bad round ligament pain especially on the right side. It was so awful the other night I thought I might be miscarrying.

9. Exercise: Still happening, but I haven't been able to run as fast or as long. I definitely notice my heart rate getting high quickly.

10. Cravings/Aversions Cuties! I accidentally ate an entire bag in 48 hours and then had a panic attack at the idea of not having more in the house. Halfway through my second.
Grapes.
Limes
Any fruit really with a high water content.


11. Thoughts for this Week This week felt like it went faster! Hopefully that becomes a trend! I'm writing this while watching Jane the Virgin and  a little distracted. Sorry for the boring post!

Baby #2 Week 11-14

Whoops! The first trimester stretches ooooonnnnn and then BAM! Here we are at 14 weeks.

1. Number of Weeks:  14 weeks and some change

2. Due Date:  June 6th, 2016. (Guys, how cool would it be to have a birthday of 6/6/16)

3. Gender : I had my first moment wondering if it might be a girl? We'll see December 21st! 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a peach

5. Weight Gain/Loss: 1+ (down a total of 6lbs) I am sure it will only be an upward pattern from here on out. I am seriously lucky to lose weight during the first trimester without the cost of barfing non-stop. Hopefully this will always be the pattern.

6 Maternity Clothes: Heck yes! My maternity jeans only stay on for an hour (enough for me to foolishly walk out the door with them on), but I mostly don't care because they are sooo comfortable. I read a lot of preggo blogs and there is this weird trend to brag about not having to wear maternity clothes to X number of weeks in their third trimester. WHY? Why fight the comfy? 

7. Energy/Sleep I finally feel like a normal person again!! I keep forgetting I am even pregnant until I feel my rock hard abs. Okay, only my lower abs (slash my uterus) are rock hard. It's been amazing to feel like this again!

8. Symptoms: Nausea has reappeared strong in week 13. Lame. Right as I am throwing a bon voyage party to my first trimester sickness, it comes back. Luckily it hasn't come back this week. Fingers crossed it minds the restraining order I put out against it.

9. Exercise: Still happening, but running has been tabled until later notice. I was getting awful round ligament pain, hip pain, back pain, blah blah blah for two days after a run which made it not even close to worth it. Walking, swimming, dance are all the hype now.

10. Cravings/Aversions Not much of anything lately. I feel like Balboa in Pirates of the Caribbean where he talks about all food turning to ash in his mouth. I will get all hyped up to eat something and it just lets me down. I ordered some fried rice this week because it has been all I can think about and I hated it. I think I really want Benihana's, but I don't want to risk the $$ to end up hating it like everything else I try to eat.


11. Thoughts for this Week I wish I had documented better the last few weeks. My brain has totally checked out. I can barely talk because I can't remember the right words and then I will switch the correct order of words. Today, for example, I told someone it was like a passage of rite to do something. I could tell I didn't say something correctly, but couldn't remember what I'd said. Is pregnancy Alzheimer's a thing?
I've started to have awful dreams again. I had them all the time with Rowan and would wake up sobbing in the middle of the night. Sel would wake me up enough to remind me it wasn't real and help me go back to sleep. Sadly, Sel has been doing an away rotation in Columbus for the past few weeks and has been absent during my nightmares. Why does pregnancy mess with your brain so much?
Also, I am showing a crazy amount already. I definitely didn't show until about 20 weeks with Rowan so this has been different. Please don't let this mean the bump will be double the size this time around.

Baby #2 (6-7 weeks?)

I'm not going to post this for awhile, but WE'RE PREGNANT!!!! 

Yay! I am not really sure how far along I am at this point. My first period in the last two years (and my last for the next year! Huzzah!) was August 26th. Once I was late, I took four pregnancy tests over four days and they were all negative. After 12 days of no Miss Flow, I assumed my period was going to be AWOL while I adjusted to a normal cycle again. Since I had dismissed being pregnant early, I didn't consider it a possibility after those first few days. It would appear this time around everyone knew I was pregnant before I did. 

Sunday Oct 4th: Someone at church congratulates me on my pregnancy. I try not to angrily inform them we are not expecting, thanks. A woman at the grocery store the day before had done the same thing. I then vent to Sel after church about how I apparently I look pregnant enough to openly comment on it even though I am actually just chubby.

Monday Oct 5th:  I decided to get in the bath with Rowan since I was covered in the dinner he opted not to eat. As I was getting undressed, Row pointed to me and signed baby. I scanned the bathroom for anything that would inspire him to sign baby. He normally doesn't sign anything without a reason, but I figured maybe he was thinking about our neighbor's new baby we had seen the day before. When I told Sel about it, he commented how crazy it would be if I was pregnant and Rowan somehow knew before we did. I told him we very much were not pregnant thanks to my four negative pregnancy tests. That night I got the following Fbook message from a friend I haven't talked to in years. 

"Lauren! I know it's been forever but I had a dream last night and you were in it. Long story short we were both pregnant and had the same baby doctor and we had to go through all these obstacles in order to get yo our appointments. It was weird but it reminded me you still exist and I though I would tell you this weird story and say that you are awesome and that I may or may not stalk you on Insta and be in love with your little boy. Let's just say he is adorable" 

Obviously, she's the best and I really ought to have been talking to her more over the past few years. The oddity of all references to me being pregnant inspired me to take a test the next morning just to prove to everyone we were for sure not pregnant. 

Tuesday Oct 6th: As I am taking the pregnancy test, I say out loud "Rowan is crazy". I then start to see that second line appear and stare dumbfounded at proof my child is clairvoyant. Rowan was babbling excitedly in his crib and I couldn't move. I quickly took two other tests only to see that strong second line pop up again. I ran into Row's room, spun him around (while he pushed furiously against my chest in an attempt to rescue the binkies he threw out of his crib) and asked him how he knew Mommy had a baby in her belly. 

When I found out we were expecting Row, I told Sel right away. He was showering upstairs and I snuck in to put the test on the counter for him. Before I could smoothly exit, he had popped his head around the curtain to ask if it was positive or not (he knew I was taking the test since I was late). I felt gypped of what surely would have been an emotionally exciting moment. Not this time around! I had inherited a shirt from a friend that says "Big Brothers Rule" and planned to adorn Row in it whenever the time came. After Sel got off work, I told him to meet us at the park. I put Row in the shirt , addressed an envelope to Sel from his second child with the pregnancy test inside (my, ahem, fifth of the day) and excitedly waited for his ecstatic reaction. He didn't notice Row's shirt at all. He never does and I obviously should have taken that into account. After awhile passed without comment, I handed him the envelope. "No way!" and a big smile was still better than a shampooed head casually asking whether our whole lives were about to change or not. 

Once I found out we were expecting, so many things made sense. Rowan has been demanding to nurse allll day and night. I obviously am having a reduction in my milk supply and it has made Row unbearably upset. Last night he woke up FIVE times and I thought I was going to die. The worst is that  I get my most nauseous when he nurses in the middle of the night and some bad cramping. 

I also had weirdly almost thrown up Pumpkin Pie ice-cream from DQ a few weeks ago. Sel was convinced it was food poisoning even though I almost threw up only a few minutes after eating it. I also had gone to bed a week earlier with a horrible migraine, something I never really deal with. 

It's squished in this picture obviously, but that's the shirt. 

I went ahead and assigned a late due date to keep my mind a little more sane this time around. 

1. Number of Weeks:  About 7 weeks? Still not sure about this. I guess we will find out at our appointment Oct 30th. 

2. Due Date:  Somewhere between May 28th, 2016- June 3rd, 2016? Which going by how late Rowan was, most likely the middle of June. 

3. Gender : I have a pretty solid feeling on this one, but I guess we won't know until December. Which is kind of when I want to tell people. This time around, I want to wait a long time before we tell. Telling parents at 7 weeks made the pregnancy seem soooooo long last time. 

4. Baby Size: About the size of a blueberry. 

5. Weight Gain/Loss: Down 3 lbs. Not for lack of appetite though. I've been treated pretty wonderfully so far. Small bouts of nausea mostly during the afternoon, but nothing bad. I mostly just want FOOD. Not chocolate or sweets or snacks even. I want warm, big meals. 

6 Maternity Clothes: Not yet. Fall is the season of leggings so I will probably wear those every single day for the first trimester and beyond. My body is so nice to me the first trimester or at least it has been so far. 

7. Energy/Sleep I remember being so exhausted with Rowan, but not so far with this bambino! I will randomly get hit during the day with a desperate need to nap, but it will luckily only last a few minutes. I am not sleeping much thanks to my oldest (crazy that I will actually be able to use that word from now on!). I honestly feel relatively normal most days. 

8. Symptoms: I know I actually haven't been able to feel movements, but sometimes I will feel a little flutter that I assume is just stretching and growing to accommodate the blueberry. Some back and hip pain (already. boooo). 

9. Exercise: I also should have noted something last week when I was SO winded from a simple mile run. I've been able to exercise about 30-45 minutes/day so far, but I am much slower than usual and get tired much faster. I'm doing a Fitbit competition this week and am hoping it will keep me on the straight and narrow for exercising throughout this pregnancy. 

10. Thoughts for this Week I was petrified of losing Rowan. I had crippling fear that plagued me in nightmares and constant worry during the day. This time around feels different. I do trust that if we lost the baby, it would be according to Heavenly Father's plan. However, I honestly have a feeling that I want to trust and believe in. I feel like we will most assuredly be keeping and welcoming this little one to our home in June! I am elated and a little bit scared about the changes ahead for us even though this is exactly what I wanted. I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have conceived again with such ease. I feel blessed to have Rowan to keep me distracted from my own thoughts and to generally make my heart burst with love and adoration for. I also CANNOT wait for Oct. 30th. Come on and get here!

It's a GIRL!

So surprise! I'm pregnant! WITH A FEMALE! 

I am still in shock over here about it all. I've been pretty convinced it was a boy with the small exception of two dreams it was a girl. I am slightly terrified. I know personality of the child determines more of who they actually are than gender, buuuut I'm still scared. I was such a miserable pre-teen/teenager. Whenever my parents said, "I hope you have a kid JUST like you someday" I vowed to have a boatload of boys who obviously couldn't be JUST like me. Now that wish from the past might make an appearance in this sweet little girl. 

I was mostly sweet when I was little, but then puberty hit and I became a hot mess of door-slamming, sibling-slapping, and parent-hating. Please take back your wishes parents so that this little one can be sweet all the way through those pre-teen years. 

Sel is really excited! Which I find undeniably adorable. He wanted it to be a she and obviously made the correct chromosome happen. Good work dad! It was a big contrast this time to last time which could likely be attributed to multiple factors. When I found out Rowan was a boy, I couldn't even handle how happy I was. I burst into tears of delight and floated around in happy baby boy land for the next 24 weeks. This time around, Sel couldn't come (BIG sad face there), but luckily my amazingly sweet sister came up. I was also sick and Rowan was miserable too after his nap. He cried all the way up until he heard baby sister's heartbeat and saw her bouncing off those uterine walls. This girl is a MOVER! Rowan rolled a bit and stretched plenty during his, but she was having her own little dance party in there. I've been able to feel her move for a while now, so I was zero percent surprised to see it confirmed that she just can't contain how happy she is to dance like her big bro. She was very modest in hiding her girl parts at first, but once the tech tagged her as a she, she went ahead and proved the tech was right on point. I cannot wait to see what she looks like and what kind of fun personality she is going to have! Blonde and blue-eyed like Rowan or dark and green-eyed like me? Or a crazy combo of those both?  Making babies is the best ;) She already looks a little different than Rowan. Their noses are slightly different and her head shape is for sure different. You might be thinking I can't actually tell, but believe me, I studied Rowan's ultrasound pic EVERY SINGLE DAY for 6 months. I know it by heart .I can't stop looking at this little beauty either and know I will obsess over it just like I did with him. 

She was also being oh so girly and putting her hands under her chin as if she was posing for a picture. Rowan spent his first gender debut grabbing his boy parts with one and throwing the other hand in the air like he just don't care. 

Posing for her face shot 

Speaking of Row, he called her from the beginning. I've been getting him to slap one hand or the other indicating left is baby sister or right is baby brother and vice-versa. Even when mixing what hand I am putting forward first or switching which one is which, Rowan has consistently picked baby sister. He also picked out a baby doll the other day at the store from a bin of baby boy dolls and picked the only baby girl doll. He LOVES his baby doll and carries her around while hugging her. He's going to be an adorable big brother.

I am going to post the little entries I've been saving during this pregnancy (for all those avid blog readers of mine), but for those who don't want to read a novel, here is the first post about our little lady. 

I'm not going to post this for awhile, but WE'RE PREGNANT!!!! 

Long little legs! 

Yay! I am not really sure how far along I am at this point. My first period in the last two years (and my last for the next year! Huzzah!) was August 26th. Once I was late, I took four pregnancy tests over four days and they were all negative. After 12 days of no Miss Flow, I assumed my period was going to be AWOL while I adjusted to a normal cycle again. Since I had dismissed being pregnant early, I didn't consider it a possibility after those first few days. It would appear this time around everyone knew I was pregnant before I did. 

Sunday Oct 4th: Someone at church congratulates me on my pregnancy. I try not to angrily inform them we are not expecting, thanks. A woman at the grocery store the day before had done the same thing. I then vent to Sel after church about how I apparently I look pregnant enough to openly comment on it even though I am actually just chubby.

Monday Oct 5th:  I decided to get in the bath with Rowan since I was covered in the dinner he opted not to eat. As I was getting undressed, Row pointed to me and signed baby. I scanned the bathroom for anything that would inspire him to sign baby. He normally doesn't sign anything without a reason, but I figured maybe he was thinking about our neighbor's new baby we had seen the day before. When I told Sel about it, he commented how crazy it would be if I was pregnant and Rowan somehow knew before we did. I told him we very much were not pregnant thanks to my four negative pregnancy tests. That night I got the following Fbook message from a friend I haven't talked to in years. 

"Lauren! I know it's been forever but I had a dream last night and you were in it. Long story short we were both pregnant and had the same baby doctor and we had to go through all these obstacles in order to get yo our appointments. It was weird but it reminded me you still exist and I though I would tell you this weird story and say that you are awesome and that I may or may not stalk you on Insta and be in love with your little boy. Let's just say he is adorable" 

Obviously, she's the best and I really ought to have been talking to her more over the past few years. The oddity of all references to me being pregnant inspired me to take a test the next morning just to prove to everyone we were for sure not pregnant. 

Tuesday Oct 6th: As I am taking the pregnancy test, I say out loud "Rowan is crazy". I then start to see that second line appear and stare dumbfounded at proof my child is clairvoyant. Rowan was babbling excitedly in his crib and I couldn't move. I quickly took two other tests only to see that strong second line pop up again. I ran into Row's room, spun him around (while he pushed furiously against my chest in an attempt to rescue the binkies he threw out of his crib) and asked him how he knew Mommy had a baby in her belly. 

When I found out we were expecting Row, I told Sel right away. He was showering upstairs and I snuck in to put the test on the counter for him. Before I could smoothly exit, he had popped his head around the curtain to ask if it was positive or not (he knew I was taking the test since I was late). I felt gypped of what surely would have been an emotionally exciting moment. Not this time around, right? I had inherited a shirt from a friend that says "Big Brothers Rule" and planned to adorn Row in it whenever the time came. After Sel got off work, I told him to meet us at the park. I put Row in the shirt , addressed an envelope to Sel from his second child with the pregnancy test inside (my, ahem, fifth of the day) and excitedly waited for his ecstatic reaction. He didn't notice Row's shirt at all. He never does and I obviously should have taken that into account. After awhile passed without comment, I handed him the envelope. "No way!" and a big smile was still better than a shampooed head casually asking whether our whole lives were about to change or not. 

Once I found out we were expecting, so many things made sense. Rowan has been demanding to nurse allll day and night. I obviously am having a reduction in my milk supply and it has made Row unbearably upset. Last night he woke up FIVE times and I thought I was going to die. The worst is that  I get my most nauseous when he nurses in the middle of the night and some bad cramping. 

I also had weirdly almost thrown up Pumpkin Pie ice-cream from DQ a few weeks ago. Sel was convinced it was food poisoning even though I almost threw up only a few minutes after eating it. I also had gone to bed a week earlier with a horrible migraine, something I never really deal with.

I was petrified of losing Rowan. I had crippling fear that plagued me in nightmares and constant worry during the day. This time around feels different. I do trust that if we lost the baby, it would be according to Heavenly Father's plan. However, I honestly have a feeling that I want to trust and believe in. I feel like we will most assuredly be keeping and welcoming this little one to our home in June! I am elated and a little bit scared about the changes ahead for us even though this is exactly what I wanted. I am unbelievably grateful for the opportunity to have conceived again with such ease. I feel blessed to have Rowan to keep me distracted from my own thoughts and to generally make my heart burst with love and adoration for. I also CANNOT wait for Oct. 30th. Come on and get here!

It's squished in this picture obviously, but that's the shirt. 

I went ahead and assigned a late due date to keep my mind a little more sane this time around. 

Chocolate & Church

It's been awhile. I keep thinking, "Hey! It's nap time! Why not blog?" Then I sit and stare blankly at the computer suddenly devoid of any thought. 

Life lately has been sweet, blissful chaos. Rowan is bonkers. When people tell you the two's are terrible, don't even believe for a second you're child is going to wait until two before becoming a daily tantrum throwing toddler. It's probably going to hit around 13 months. Or it won't because you have an angel child that sits happily on your lap for an hour of church while mine throws books at your sweet child's head. This last Sunday was almost my breaking point. Within five minutes of being at church, Rowan had ripped the bow of his friend's head, chucked a book at the pew in front of us, slapped a kid in the face who was borrowing some of his crayons, and pulled out a good chunk of hair that I had actually bothered to wash AND curl. On our way to teach my Sunday school class, Rowan spotted a boy crying in the hallway. He ran up to him and was about to give him what I thought was a tender hug. Instead he pushed the little boy. 

I proceeded to the bathroom and let my once-a-week makeup run while I questioned what I was doing wrong as a parent to have such a wild child. 

While crying, Rowan ran into the other stall and brought a giant wad of toilet paper to me. He placed it on my lap and looked expectantly at me with those gorgeous blue-green orbs of his. After a few seconds, he stood on tip-toe and started to dab my tears. 

This is what parenting young children (or at least, my young child) is like in a nutshell. They spend 1-hour making you question if both of you will make it alive to the next hour, then they do one minute of something so heart-wrenchingly sweet that you become convinced your child is the most perfect thing ever created and forget all 60 minutes of previous terror. 

Right now Rowan is napping peacefully upstairs and I am pretty certain he is going to grow up to be one of the kindest, brightest, most handsome people to ever live. I will still believe that somewhere inside of me even when he is laying on the grocery store floor screaming because I won't buy him the ten packs of Rolo's he keeps snatching. 

Here are some of Rowboat's current favorites:

* Sword fighting. He loves to bash this slightly deflated balloon of ours right now and it's pretty entertaining to watch him slay it. 

* The little girl I nanny. He adores her like no one else. I simply have to say her name and he starts giggling. 

* Basketball. Football. Soccer. Tennis. Baseball. All sports involving balls. He is so obsessed. The other day at the gym a little league basketball team was playing. As soon as he saw them, he grabbed a ball of the rack and ran  excitedly onto the court to join the game. He was so incredibly distraught when we took him off the court that he cried without stopping for ten minutes. I wish they had leagues for younger kids because nothing would thrill this kid more than playing any sport at all. 

* Outside. This one is always going to be a fav. The other day his hands turned blue and I tried to drag him inside to warm those poor chubby hands of his. He wasn't going anywhere. We luckily found some mittens for him the other day and my mom bought him a snowsuit and boots for the upcoming Toledo freeze. 

* Cottage Cheese - he grabs it out of the fridge almost every morning for breakfast

* Chocolate. The family I nanny for has a little boy in elementary school who has a big stash of Halloween candy in his closet still. Rowan discovered it the other day and can think of nothing else when we are there. Finding him the first time was hysterical. He had somehow managed to open the bedroom door when I wasn't looking and I couldn't find him anywhere. I heard faint rustling coming from the little boy's room. When I peeked into the closet, Rowan screeched, grabbed a handful of chocolate and dove around me out the door trailing wrappers. 

* Saying "MEN!" at the end of prayers. He will sometimes initiate prayers spontaneously throughout the day simply for the pleasure of saying Amen at the end. 

He loves his grandpa so much! And he loved seeing the person he resembles so much, GG! Their mutual love of chocolate creates an unbreakable bond 

Finding him in the little boy's closet 

True love 

He turned on the water and drenched his second outfit of the day. Mom fail. 

Looking at squirrels with his fav person, Daddy. 

Playing at the arcade

I was feeling sick and he submitted to watching a whole 15 minutes of Daniel Tiger. 

That smile gets me every time 

It Will All Work Out

I love being a mom. I love it to my very core. It gets better and better every day. It also seems to get harder and harder in some ways. I feel as if every stage of life truly has it's pros and cons. The one thing I spend a lot of my time doing is worrying about whether I am being the best mom I can. Not just a good mom, but the best mom for Rowan. I told Sel the other day I that I think Rowan would have been just as happy being raised by a different mom. He is by nature a cheerful, joyful little thing who loves deeply and wholly. I've often felt Sel has the personality to have been happily married to many a different type of girl whereas it honestly couldn't have been anyone other than Sel to make me the happiest I could be. I know babies come precisely to who they need to be with and Row's always been mine and always will be. I know every single mom probably spends time worrying about this (the not being the perfect mom part) and every mom in the history of time has spent time worrying about this. 

I find, however, my rational mind and emotions rarely hang out happily together. 

Rowan is incredible. He is constantly bubbling over with his love of life! His smile is pure magic. He is so tender and sensitive. He really, really feels things. We visited my nephew in Philly a few weeks ago and the perfect situation presented itself to illustrate who Rowan really is. He and Brian Jr. were collecting rocks and putting them on a picnic bench. At one point, Rowan slammed his head violently into the bench. He cried for one second only because I picked him up assuming he needed comfort, only to discover I was ruining his life by taking him away from those perfect toys. He had a bruise on his head for a week after our trip. Later that day, Brian Jr. barely pushed Rowan. I honestly don't even know if my nephew actually touched Rowan, but  Row was inconsolable for five minutes after because he felt rejected. He loves to love and be loved. He gets so excited when he is around other kids and just feeds off of their energy. He's like a little emotional vampire - he can't help but drink in the good and the bad emotions others are feeling. He is so incredibly sweet. He continues to give random kisses to me, giant hugs, and those radiant smiles. He also still tries to hug every toddler or baby that we encounter at the zoo, store, church or while walking down the street.

Hanging with his buddy at the library

Still really, really loves balls

What did I tell you about that smile? We continue to get comments about putting him in the Baby Gerber contest whenever he throws a stranger that smile of his.  

His first reaction to seeing his cuzzy

Talking with his best friend at the zoo

Row is also incredibly determined. I am sure it will serve him well as an adult, but it makes this adult a little bit exasperated. He's always been this way. I remember at two weeks old he absolutely would not be swaddled. He wasn't going to do it even though he couldn't control practically any part of his body, he was going to control whether we bundled him up. Lately, he's been throwing some impressive tantrums. He started his rage game early too. If he doesn't get what he wants, he gets maaaad. I used to like grocery shopping with him because he would happily play in those rad car carts and smile at other shoppers. Now it is a nightmare. Today, for example, as I was checking out Rowan rounded the corner with three snickers bars in his hand and the BIGGEST smile on his face.  He excitedly stands on his tip- toes to pass the candy bars to the cashier (cause he knows if he hands them to me, I will simply put them out of his reach and rush his little self out of the store). She laughs and hides two of them behind the counter. Realizing what we are up to, he makes a crazy dash for the door. I try to wrench the bar out of his hand while he screeches at the top of his lungs and then punctures the candy bar wrapper while I actually pick him up using the candy bar because he is gripping it so tightly. He lands on the floor in a pile of screams and tears. The cashier's face turned from amused to slightly horrified. 

Before this incident we were at the Applebutter festival. While standing in line, Rowan really wanted to get out of his stroller. He has figured out how to wriggle out of the harness just enough to cause himself bodily harm, but not enough to fully escape. As I was wrestling him back in, he looked right at my face and threw the straw from our apple cider slush at my face. Since I am trying a new approach of not reinforcing his throwing, I calmly picked up the straw without acknowledging it. Rowan decided then to throw the cup of frozen apple goodness at my face. The woman behind me had six-year-old triplets. She leaned over while I am dealing with this and said, "Whoa. I don't think I ever remember it being that hard with my three at this age'. So you're telling me someone who raised THREE toddlers at the SAME time thinks it wasn't as hard as raising one Rowan?! I still doubt her on this, but I think she was trying to encourage me. Comfort me? I don't even know. I do know that if we ever have triplets, I would probably cease to be sane for at least five years. Maybe ten. Okay, give me the full twenty. 

Me contemplating Sel's cute derrière

Rowan is also giving me a run for my money with eating. All he wants is junk, because DUH don't we all. He also is too, too smart for his own good. He knows how to sign/sort of say chocolate and cheese and chips. He will eat green smoothies almost every morning  and sometimes other random veggies or fruit. He still asks for junk all the time though even when we don't have it in the house. Remember when the kid couldn't remember that their was a toy behind my back and now he remembers ONE time he shared a free cookie sample at Kroger and now will point to the bakery counter every time we are there?

I think the thing I struggle with a lot with him is how my personality is not overly similar to his. I am a very passive person. I am content to change my course of action should the situation warrant it. I think I've always been that way. I am just happy to be happy no matter what is going on around me. I might whine a little (a lot) if things aren't going my way, but I will ultimately go with the flow. I'm a people pleaser. It's been great for me in some ways and not in others. Parenting Rowan is requiring me to be more forceful and resolute than I am used to. I know as his mom I am the boss. I get to pick what he does and doesn't do, but that very often results in epic tantrums because it is not what Rowan wants. I know this isn't unique to parentings toddlers. I'm working on being bossmom and will hopefully be there soon for Rowan's developmental sake. 

I do sometimes stare around at church (for the ten minutes we are in there for) at all the kids close to his age just pleasantly staying in their pews. Do they have their moments? Sure. I just feel like there hasn't been a Sunday yet where I am not part of the "parent club" in the hallway.  I am also fearful of judgement from other seasoned parents who obviously have their crap together. I have never felt that way from friends, but when we are out and about I can feel the judgements searing into the back of my head while Rowan leans out the side of the cart ripping off sale signs or causing internal damage while he strains against his belt while simultaneously chucking cans out of the cart. Most people are understanding and kind, but the few that aren't regrettably stay with me. When I am having a good day, I mentally wave them away with a good pity stare and a laugh. The other days where my more passive, people-leasing part comes through leave me feeling a bit hopeless. Questioning where I went wrong and am going wrong in teaching Row to be at least a little less wild. 

Parenting books are great. Sage advice from other parents are great. At the end of the day though, no one knows precisely how to perfectly parent Rowan (including me). 

I listened to General Conference today (www.lds.org) and had been praying for some answers as to whether I am raising this precious child the way Heavenly Father would want me to.  They all spoke to my heart in different ways about it, but Neill F. Marriott said something that stuck with me. Did you know she is the mother of ELEVEN children? 11. She has gone through the toddler stage eleven times and she's alive. She's radiant even. She has a saying in her family "It will all work out". I believe it. I know it. I know it will all work out no matter what lies ahead. I know that tomorrow I will read this blog and say, "I don't even really feel that way right now! I'm an awesome mom. Why did I write that?" But that's the honesty happening right now. 

I also know that  "if our lives are centered in Jesus Christ he can successfully mold us into who we need to be." _ Ricahrd J. Maynes. I can do this. I love doing it. I know that if I make a daily effort to center my life around Christ, I can be the best mother for Row. I also know someday 16-year-old Rowan will be slamming a door in my face while proclaiming I am the meanest mom alive and I will pine for the days his tiny self would throw silly little tantrums at the store. 

A very mild Rowan tantrum at Meier

Notice the dirt on his face from when he biffed it hard onto the ground. Poor little blondie. Obviously he found a reason to keep smiling despite his hard day. He's the best kind of teacher. 

Summer of a one-year-old

I felt I was due for a more fun, creative post. I kept promising myself I would get around to it, but then I also promised myself I would watch the rest of Dr. Who on Netflix. So instead I decided on a casual update to keep my memories straight as I continue to suffer from "mom brain" which sort of feels like a less serious version of Alzheimer's for me. 

We went to UTAH! It was incredible. It was also crazy and stressful and I have sworn to myself I am never traveling again. I am about to eat those words as we are embarking on a 8 hour road trip to Allentown, PA next week. That dang mom brain making me forget how terribly Rowan does in confined spaces for longer than two seconds. 

We started our trip to Utah by missing our flight. Fail. We got incredibly lucky and landed a flight two hours later. Rowan was exhausted to start with as we woke his poor self up at 5am to get there on time (aka not even close to on time because we missed our flight). Luckily I sat next to incredibly sweet people on ever flight who were helpful and understanding of how crazed out Row was. It helps that he is so charming. He made sure to go down the aisle and stop at pretty much every seat to beam up at the fellow passengers. Easy to dislike the frazzled mom, hard to hate on the toddler toting his award-winning grin. 

That smile though! He might be part-merman with how ardently he loves water

The trip really was amazing. It was so wonderful to see so many friends and family. I already have classified the trip as one of those perfect summer memories that keep you warm and hopeful in the dead of winter. The theme for Rowan other than fun-in-the-sun was sleep deprivation. He struggled. We went to a beautiful wedding for a cousin up the canyon and I got this close to throwing myself off the beautiful pine-studded mountain they were married on. It didn't help that I had convinced my in-laws wearing three inch heels was going to be just dandy for Row and I. I even ran around the dressing room to prove my point. I'm an idiot. I NEVER wear heels. Ever. Why did I think a wedding on a mountain with a sleep deprived toddler in three inch heels was a good idea? Thank goodness for understanding, helpful relatives. 

His face looks like, "Grandma is trying to get me to drink champagne?!" It's sparkling cider  and Rowan tried to drink everyone's at the table

Fav Uncle Bern made the million mile journey to be there for a very short time. Row loved being on his shoulders

The outfit was expertly put together by Jess and Deidre. I felt like I was on a TLC Makeover Show. It was wonderful to have helpers to coordinate accessories with-something I practically never wear. The heels though, those were all my foolish doing. 

This was what started the first tantrum of the wedding. It was honestly five minutes after we got there. Rowan wanted to get in the waterfall. I told him no. He fell on the stone floor arching his back and crying. He has leveled up to expert archer this month. When he wants to get down he will go limp and straighten his arms above his head. As he starts to slip from your fingers, he will arch quickly and drop to the floor running. 

The whole reason for the trip was to see my new little niece! We were supposed to see her in Texas, but Rowan came down with HFM at the same time. Can I say something real quick about the newest little princess? She seems like such a sweetheart! While admiring my sis-in-law expertly mother her the whole trip, I remembered back to when Row was the same age. He was a great baby, but he's never been calm. He's always been high energy. I remember making a trip with Row to Utah around the same time as Stella and Jess made their most recent trek. Rowan was right in the middle of arching away whenever I would try to nurse him and I remember being in a perpetual fog of "keep the baby alive". Jess just seemed to have her mothering together. Makes sense that someone who is so adaptable had a baby who takes after her. 

Miss Awesome and Rowboat

LIttle princess. 

The beautiful mom who made a beautiful baby

Ugh. I'm already wanting to go to bed. So, let's see the rest of the trip was fab and the plane ride home was not great, but also not a complete nightmare. We've been spending the last few weeks over at our new friends' house. I've started to nanny some cuties a few days a week and Rowan loves them. I'm getting a little nervous for winter. Rowan loves being outside more than any kid I've ever met. He would set up a tent out back and live there if I would let him. Maybe he'll love playing in the snow just as much? Thank goodness for indoor pools, children's museums, and play lands. 

Quick update on my sweet 13 month old. Rowan really is soooo sweet. Lately I've started to join in the tackle fest that Sel and Row usually do. The other day Sel tackled me and started tickling me. Rowan got so upset. He came over, pushed Sel out of the way while hollering for MOM! then gave me a huge bear hug. He is so sensitive! I hit my head on my bike hanging in the garage the other day and started crying. (Cause it hurt a whole bunch and my head was bleeding and I really, really hate bleeding). Rowan started crying the same instant I did. He was inconsolable until I stopped crying and then all he wanted to do was give me big open-mouthed kisses. It's almost how twins supposedly feel one another's pain. Rowan feels my pain and distress so well. Those mirror neurons are certainly active in his loving little brain. He's getting smarter by the day. He comprehends so much! He actually obeys most of the time now too. He will patiently stand at the top of the stairs with his hand held above his head and wait until I take it to help him down the stairs. Writing all this makes me want to run upstairs and kiss him all over. He would undoubtedly push me away because it wouldn't be his choice to be kissed by me. 

Bike ride in Idaho Falls

Playing in the water with Aunt Sarah

Graham Canyon ice-cream cone on BYU campus. I missed that place SO  MUCH! Why can't I just always live in Provo and be a student? I couldn't stop wishing for that while we wandered around my alma mater. 

So many grand babies and great-grand babies have ridden in that wagon. I remember dragging my sister around in it and she complaining that I was to heavy to pull. If my teeny tiny grandma can pull Rowan, Sarah should have been able to pull me. Right?

He had his first ice-cream cone on this trip and now he wants nothing else to eat

What do YOU want? This is our turf

He has a crush on her. 

He "helped" me pick raspberries. Aka, he sorted one raspberry to every bin then smashed a bunch in his hand and pleaded with me to wipe off the offensive nectar from the gods. 

Do all kids love water this much? SHould I take him to Sea World and see if they would be open to the idea of a baby exhibit?