The Relativity of My Campaign Platform

I should be pouring over my physics book to try and comprehend the theory of relativity right now. I should also be doing my lab write up...whoops. I have decided, however, to instead blog about my new desire to have twins. Here are some valid and logical reasons why anyone should want to have twins
1. You could send one of your twins to space for twenty years and see if the theory of relativity actually effects his or her biological clock.
2-100. Other reasons I can't think of because I am too excited about the idea of sending one of my kids (Fred or George) off to space and having them come back twenty years later looking only a year or two older.

I would now like to change directions and announce some very exiting news. Yes, even more exciting than the theory of relativity.
I am going to run for the BYU 2011-2012 student body president

My platform: How apparation will eliminate global warming, solve the obesity epidemic, save the rain forest and create world peace.

My desire to step into the political spotlight was inspired by the Llama walking around on campus and Sel's comment of how Cecil (current BYU president) should allow on campus apparation. I knew from the moment Sel said those words, someone had to do something. That someone is me. Here are a few things I am promising to change in pursuit of improving the lives of my fellow BYU students.

1. I promise that every student will be allowed to apparte under my dominion. Imagine a world where you can wake up ten minutes before class and still make it on time without huffing it up Mount Everest?

2. I promise that every student will receive their own personal (free) Llama. Imagine a world where instead of crying because you don't have a dollar to give to the Choose to Give foundation in order to pet a Llama, you just reach over and give your fluffy best friend a neck pat. Additional pluses to having your own Llama.

a. If you walk to campus in flip flops and shorts in the morning and come out of your evening class to hail, snow, rain, or a tornado, then you can politely ask your Llama for some fur to make a waterproof Peruvian coat. If you have a particularly generous Llama, you could even ask for enough fur to make a matching hat and mittens to go with your new coat.
b. Little known fact. Llama's have wings. They generally don't use them when they feel under appreciated by the human race. Ask yourself, "What have I done today to make a Llama feel appreciated?" If your answer was, "Nothing" then you now understand better why you have never seen a Llama fly.

3. I promise to eliminate the parking problem in P-town. I will distribute authorized portkeys to all registered students and faculty members for their off campus travels. This will eliminate the need for cars and, therefore, the need for evil doughnut eating, bike riding police men who write billions of unnecessary parking tickets. This act will have far reaching effects.

a. Save the Rain forest. This will be accomplished by reducing parking tickets from a billion to zero.

b. Create World Peace. As all know, the political tension between us and the Ents has almost lead to full out nuclear warfare on many occasions. Once we stop chopping down trees to make useless parking tickets, the Ents will realize we are actually their friends and we will all have a pizza party together
c. Solve the Obesity Epidemic. What do you do when you can't find parking? You park four blocks away in a sketchy neighborhood and then walk what feels like a hundred miles home, up- hill in the rain with a dementor breathing down your back. The second you get home, you then gorge on the ice-cream pie your roommate made so you can get back at the hill that stole your calories. This act of circular vengeance won't happen once portkeys are distributed.


d. Eliminate Global Warming. No need for cars. No need for gasoline. No need for repetitive high school research papers on how burning fossil fuels may or may not be the cause of global warming.

As I have just proved, voting for me will solve nearly all of the world's current problems. Do you want to tell your children that you voted for the woman who saved the world or for her BYUSA opponents who promised better service weeks? Save the world: Vote for L.

L