Home is where the heart is, right? Wrong according to recent information acquired by one of our top reporters, Elle Gink. On Tuesday of this week, one of our reporters followed a BYU student to the DMV to get the real story on what it means to be homeless in Utah. The female student (who wishes to remain unnamed in this post for fear the DMV will come after her and further destroy her happiness) has been living in Utah for the past three years attending BYU during the school year and working a pharmaceutical internship at Research Park during the summers. She recently turned 21, causing her Michigan driver's license to expire. Her attempts to get a Utah driver's license are what alerts us today to the uprising of the homeless in Utah. Below is an exclusive interview Elle had with our student revealing what it really means to be a Utah Bum (caps added for respect to this position).
Elle: So, Student, can you briefly tell us how you first became homeless?
Student: Well, it all started when I moved back to Utah for school.
Elle: Sorry, you say you moved back? You've lived in Utah before?
Student: Yes, I actually lived in Utah from the time I was one until I finished sixth grade. My family had to move due to the heightened awareness of how freaking awesome my family was (still is) and we were forced to move to a remote area (Kansas) to avoid the issues that usually accompany intense fame.
Elle: Talking to you now and having just met your family, I completely understand why that was necessary. I can't believe Utah is being so ridiculous when you are actually a native to it. Anyway, back to your tragic homeless story. Please continue.
Student: Well, my family had to move to Michigan three years later after our fame reached a frightening peak in Kansas. I turned 16 while we were living in Michigan and passed my drivers test with flying colors.
Elle: I actually have here that you failed it miserably the first time. Let me see here..yes it says you failed and then bawled in the middle of the parking lot furthering your title of "loser"
Student: That was someone else with my same name. It is really crazy how often the mix up happens. BYU even mails me her grades sometimes which would absolutely crush my morale were I her. Poor thing.
Elle: So you acquired a Michigan license and then what?
Student: Well, I finished up high school and decided to return to the state I had always felt was home. A lot of my wonderful family is here. The mountains are here. The most handsome man in the world is here. There is convienently a good school here too. I came back to the place my heart was.
Elle: (wipes a tear off her face) Wow. That's beautiful. If you love Utah so much, why doesn't it seem to love you?
Student: I really don't know. It has been such a crazy process trying to prove my love to Utah. I think the real issue isn't the state of Utah, but the Utah DMV.
Elle: Yeah. I have heard some not so nice things lately about how ridiculous the DMV is.
Student: That doesn't suprise me. I went in last Tuesday to try and prove I was worthy of a Utah's love. They require an extensive amount of documents, which I provided. The real issue centers on the fact that I live in an abandoned covered wagon from the 70's under an underpass.
Elle: There made covered wagons in the 70's?
Student: Yeah, it's a 1872 Original Mormon Pioneer Stationary Wagon. Hasn't moved anywhere for over an hundred years.
Elle: Well, that sounds pleasant. So the DMV didn't consider the three years you have lived within its borders valid?
Student: That's right. Since I have switched addresses every couple of months and BYU neglected to put my address on my transcript, I technically am an illegal alien according to Utah.
Elle: Here is the thing I am confused about. A majority of BYU students are from out of state. How are they able to legally drive in Utah?
Student: I had been wondering the very same thing for awhile, but then I realized something. My parents moved to Ohio for the same reason my family has had to move in the past.
Elle: Aw, their fame started catching up to them again?
Student: Exactly. Anyway, most students keep their out of state licenses because their parents still live in the state it is issued from. There parents aren't too amazing to stay in one state longer than a few years. Other students are also more loved than I am and are without a constant black cloud of tragedy following them everywhere.
Elle: That makes sense now. Our sources have also revealed your charming fiance helped bring a little sunshine to your gray back drop of luck.
Student: (giant smile breaks across her face) Yeah. He really is the best. He brought me beautiful flowers and wrote "Stick it to the DMV" on the attached card. He also brought me one of my favorite treats-a whole plastic carton of bell peppers.
Elle: What a catch! I wish my fiance was as fantastic as that. He is unnaturally obsessed with scrapbooking and never has time to pay attention to me. Now, how does your homelessness effect your relationship with your fiance?
Student: Well, I know it sounds corny, but Sel (student's fiance) is kind of my home. The saying "home is where the heart is" helps me describe it. Sel has been exploring options for medical school and is considering cardiology. He preformed open heart surgery on me a few weeks ago. He removed my heart and surgically implanted a newt's heart in my chest cavity. So he literally has my heart. In a glass jar full of formaldyhyde. On his bedside table.
Elle: How romantic! Two star crossed lovers! A homeless girl with a newt's heart and a brilliant, flower giving, sunshine bringing heart surgeon.
Well there you have it. An interview revealing the serious issues at hand with Utah homelessness. Should you read this and want to help, please mail the following to our office:
Cash
A Utah Driver's License
New Colorful Socks
Mr. & Mrs. L Chromosome Donors (currently residing in Ohio)
Lello (L's Twin Sister)
Cash
Raspberries
Cash
Help a homeless person out today. Donate now.
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